Watching her from afar

Ok, I got at least a partial answer of what's really going on. Somehow, it doesn't really feel okay. It honestly doesn't bode well for me.

This morning I just had to ask her, and if I'm not mistaken, she had it expected for the second time already. I said I was wondering if she still feels the same two months back. And her answer that she has been dealing with something which greatly stresses her (which I do completely understand), that "to be honest, I never thought about it... and didn't want to add more stuff to my head. But of course I have not forgotten anything about us, anything about it. I know I am bad these days I didn't talk much with you. I know. I just didn't know how to react or reply to you especially your post" in her exact words.

The first thing that I noticed that she actually didn't answer the question directly. It was just a yes or no type of question. Probably the answer I was really looking for, then the optional explanations.

Also, the fact that she said that she didn't know how to react or reply to that particular post of mine (it's about these days being two months away from when it all happened), it means there are some questions or doubts in mind.

But really, I didn't want to add up things to her head which are significantly less important than what she has been dealing with. I mean who's actually gonna make some serious considerations in prioritizing something intangible coming from a "stolen day" two months ago which isn't really going to have a bearing either way. I don't want to find myself bugging her about it. It's just not going to work that way. Also, I don't want her to think I'm just a few-sided person who is just focused on her and my music (which she already told me once that I had to explain my way out).

So, I'm backing off. I won't be the same guy bugging her all the time about unimportant stuff. She said it's not about being a burden and all that, but that's what it seems to appear, in between the lines. I'm just letting her be, I won't send her messages as much, as the more I think about it, the more I'm just gonna think that I'm not helping at all. Not meaning to look for a pity party here, but that's how it feels. I don't know though if this is going to be easy.

Yea, soon enough my life will just be a scribble of lines.

Seems to fit at this very moment. I have no idea where she is now. It's almost 12 midnight and I don't know if she already home or still out as she mentioned she went to a show tonight. Bottom line is I am not getting anything and I just have no idea at all.

Soon enough, she will find this blog and read this. But what the heck anyway. Things have obviously changed already. If before it felt like her so close to me, now it's like watching her from afar, trying to see her from a distance. It really isn't easy for me going back to how we were before because I've been so used to talking to her every single day. But we'll see what happens soon.