Christmas eve. December 25th, exactly 12:59 AM GMT+8.
Right this moment, my mind is at a blur -- exactly because there are several stuff in my mind that I can write about, but I'm not sure which I should write about first. So there may be some struggle in terms of cohesiveness of this entry as you read on.
Firstly, I was out of the blogworld for a week because I've been sick (until now but I am almost fully recovered now).
Secondly, coming from the blog stats, a considerable number of page views have come from T's place (with majority of the views using the same unit as hers). So maybe it's possible she has already found this by now.
Last night, we had this quick conversation which ended up her saying that nothing has changed since that day. I am touched by it but I am having an ultimately hard time to believe it (despite having received my first red heart from her earlier that day as well because of my picture). There is just one big reason why -- she haven't made me feel what she made me feel the whole month of November (which I haven't described in detail and put it on an entry in here just yet).
As soon as I set my eyes on her back late October, a few weeks after coming home from their place, I was anticipating a very happy Christmas for us. For maybe around six weeks, we went on without a hitch. She made me so happy, and I think I did pretty much the same for her. And the then-on going plans of visiting her again in a few months time. We really had something to look forward to. She even referred that as a "blessing". And along the way, she would post some really sweet stuff about me, which would really melt my heart. I would do the same. Every morning in my first waking moments, I would always read her morning messages. The late night talks, the exchange of pictures and voice notes. All of it I cherish and have been keeping in a special place in my heart (and most of them in my phone and laptop memory). All those made my November so sweet.
Then it was a major turn around when this month came around. After her holiday trip.
When I start missing something in her, I suddenly lost some chance in counting how many times she would sleep on me while we talked on the phone, and her not even having the first count on how many times I would play with my wrist watch while we would talk. Instead, I started counting days, and her I am not sure.
Now I don't get morning messages.
Now I feel it's a crime when I ask her about us. It's a crime if I do ask her if she misses me still.
Now I barely hear her voice live. I just go back to her old voice notes just to hear her voice.
Now we always have "dead air" moments, like I'm always on "sentry" mode, just waiting for her to send me a message.
Now she doesn't send me pictures like she used to. I just go back and check those pictures I stolen from her.
Now she doesn't send me rapid messages all day like we used to before. Some seem to appear forced already. Even at least two of her posts about me I found hidden.
Now she seem to be more selective of her replies from my messages.
And I'm missing her so badly, and hurts even more because of this "emotional distance". The physical distance causes a pain of its own, but this emotional distance does take a hefty toll.
It's okay to be this way IF WE DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO START FROM. IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT SWEET NOVEMBER. But we did have that Sweet November. That special time. And turning around to something like this, with the reason that quite makes me an added stress (by the way, that 'stress' described in the previous entry is already resolved).
And for two weeks I've been awfully scared of losing her, awfully scared of getting back what we were used to be. And I've honestly never been scared like this of losing someone for a long time.
This is why I'm having a hard time believing her when she said nothing has changed in her since that day. And this Christmas day isn't the kind of Christmas I was expecting two months ago.
I still want to push this though, since she said nothing has changed and in fairness to her, she would still ask how my day would be from time to time, and she did send me a heart yesterday.
But right now, I honestly don't know how exactly I'm gonna push through. But at one certain moment, I will know what to do.
A meaningful Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.
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