Those Six Months

I've finally set the dates when I'm coming over to her place. Sometime in June. Well, it should have been in February but something happened along the way which wasn't my control. Pretty disappointing, but nothing I could do, and at least now I've set it myself. Four months later than planned, but I'll take it.

So, what happened exactly?

We have this friend who has been working with this airline and they got this annual benefit stuff that they give out airfare tickets to family and friends of their choice. My name was submitted. Then quickly enough, early November, maybe around three weeks after coming back home from that trip, I was notified that I was qualified for those free tickets with the travel date of my choice from December 2013 - Q1 2014. That wasn't part of the plan and that just excited me so much.

I told her about it as a surprise. She was pretty happy about it (later I'll fill in the details because this is actually the big part of this entry).

Fast forward to mid December (wherein the events which has happened in the past few entries were described), there had been some technicalities in the tickets. In short, I, along with the other beneficiaries, am not getting those free tickets.

So pretty much this, along with the fact that there has been changes in her or in us, made me depressed. Just imagine, I was trying to hold on and been counting down the days until February because things from my perspective hadn't been going quite well, then you give me this. That's a short bad string of events.

Of course I had to tell her. To add the fact that she hasn't really made me feel that she still wants to see me the same way I gave her the first news early November.

So I was just scouring for promo fares in the past few weeks, then suddenly yesterday -- I got what I had been waiting for. Booked and confirmed my flight just today. Midway June, gonna spend more than a week there. And, as SOP, I told her.

Her reaction?

Well, let's just go back first to the November conversation. Here's how it went when I told her about the free tickets and that possibility of seeing her just a few months from that time...















And it even spawned a post from her that same night...



Really nice aren't they? From there anyone would be able to gauge how she felt for me, and how she felt knowing we would be seeing each other again. Apart from the thought that I would see her again in four months from that time, it made me feel so elated knowing how she felt about it.

So now this time, in the middle of "these changes" in her, I would finally book the dates and finally have this definitive proof and assurance that we will be seeing each other again. And I tell her these. And this is what she gave me. This is how she reacted.



At the back of my mind, I kind of expected it already, but upon seeing it, it still hurt AT LEAST a bit.

Her reaction tonight was nowhere near as amazing nor as touching or even as appreciative as how she did in November. And if you were someone like a third person, the difference is without question obvious. And I don't know if we will ever talk about this as much or just as similar as how we did in November.

I really don't know how to feel about this. And I just simply miss the feeling that she gave me last month.

And despite what has been happening (or not happening) in the past few weeks, I am still feeling the same for her. My heart is not going anywhere in the near future -- it has still been there where I left it. I have fallen for her real hard, and I'm quite uncertain if she will be catching me.

I've been wanting to ask her if we can talk, just like before. But it just seems not the same anymore. I have been trying to think of ways how I can make her make me feel just like before again, but it feels like a crime doing so. There are nights that I do cry, fighting this feeling so hard of being able to do nothing. Sometimes I wonder, why was I given this kind of very strong feelings for someone so far away. Why I wasn't given this for someone close.

I feel like I will get a real fighting and solid chance at her when I get close to her again, which could have been less than two months from now, now became half year from now. And there are a lot of things that can and may happen with those six months. I'll just wait until then.

I just want to be happy.

No sweet Christmastime for me

Christmas eve. December 25th, exactly 12:59 AM GMT+8.

Right this moment, my mind is at a blur -- exactly because there are several stuff in my mind that I can write about, but I'm not sure which I should write about first. So there may be some struggle in terms of cohesiveness of this entry as you read on.

Firstly, I was out of the blogworld for a week because I've been sick (until now but I am almost fully recovered now).

Secondly, coming from the blog stats, a considerable number of page views have come from T's place (with majority of the views using the same unit as hers). So maybe it's possible she has already found this by now.

Last night, we had this quick conversation which ended up her saying that nothing has changed since that day. I am touched by it but I am having an ultimately hard time to believe it (despite having received my first red heart from her earlier that day as well because of my picture). There is just one big reason why -- she haven't made me feel what she made me feel the whole month of November (which I haven't described in detail and put it on an entry in here just yet).

As soon as I set my eyes on her back late October, a few weeks after coming home from their place, I was anticipating a very happy Christmas for us. For maybe around six weeks, we went on without a hitch. She made me so happy, and I think I did pretty much the same for her. And the then-on going plans of visiting her again in a few months time. We really had something to look forward to. She even referred that as a "blessing". And along the way, she would post some really sweet stuff about me, which would really melt my heart. I would do the same. Every morning in my first waking moments, I would always read her morning messages. The late night talks, the exchange of pictures and voice notes. All of it I cherish and have been keeping in a special place in my heart (and most of them in my phone and laptop memory). All those made my November so sweet.

Then it was a major turn around when this month came around. After her holiday trip.

When I start missing something in her, I suddenly lost some chance in counting how many times she would sleep on me while we talked on the phone, and her not even having the first count on how many times I would play with my wrist watch while we would talk. Instead, I started counting days, and her I am not sure.

Now I don't get morning messages.

Now I feel it's a crime when I ask her about us. It's a crime if I do ask her if she misses me still.

Now I barely hear her voice live. I just go back to her old voice notes just to hear her voice.

Now we always have "dead air" moments, like I'm always on "sentry" mode, just waiting for her to send me a message.

Now she doesn't send me pictures like she used to. I just go back and check those pictures I stolen from her.

Now she doesn't send me rapid messages all day like we used to before. Some seem to appear forced already. Even at least two of her posts about me I found hidden.

Now she seem to be more selective of her replies from my messages.

And I'm missing her so badly, and hurts even more because of this "emotional distance". The physical distance causes a pain of its own, but this emotional distance does take a hefty toll.

It's okay to be this way IF WE DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO START FROM. IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT SWEET NOVEMBER. But we did have that Sweet November. That special time. And turning around to something like this, with the reason that quite makes me an added stress (by the way, that 'stress' described in the previous entry is already resolved).

And for two weeks I've been awfully scared of losing her, awfully scared of getting back what we were used to be. And I've honestly never been scared like this of losing someone for a long time.

This is why I'm having a hard time believing her when she said nothing has changed in her since that day. And this Christmas day isn't the kind of Christmas I was expecting two months ago.

I still want to push this though, since she said nothing has changed and in fairness to her, she would still ask how my day would be from time to time, and she did send me a heart yesterday.

But right now, I honestly don't know how exactly I'm gonna push through. But at one certain moment, I will know what to do.

A meaningful Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.

Watching her from afar

Ok, I got at least a partial answer of what's really going on. Somehow, it doesn't really feel okay. It honestly doesn't bode well for me.

This morning I just had to ask her, and if I'm not mistaken, she had it expected for the second time already. I said I was wondering if she still feels the same two months back. And her answer that she has been dealing with something which greatly stresses her (which I do completely understand), that "to be honest, I never thought about it... and didn't want to add more stuff to my head. But of course I have not forgotten anything about us, anything about it. I know I am bad these days I didn't talk much with you. I know. I just didn't know how to react or reply to you especially your post" in her exact words.

The first thing that I noticed that she actually didn't answer the question directly. It was just a yes or no type of question. Probably the answer I was really looking for, then the optional explanations.

Also, the fact that she said that she didn't know how to react or reply to that particular post of mine (it's about these days being two months away from when it all happened), it means there are some questions or doubts in mind.

But really, I didn't want to add up things to her head which are significantly less important than what she has been dealing with. I mean who's actually gonna make some serious considerations in prioritizing something intangible coming from a "stolen day" two months ago which isn't really going to have a bearing either way. I don't want to find myself bugging her about it. It's just not going to work that way. Also, I don't want her to think I'm just a few-sided person who is just focused on her and my music (which she already told me once that I had to explain my way out).

So, I'm backing off. I won't be the same guy bugging her all the time about unimportant stuff. She said it's not about being a burden and all that, but that's what it seems to appear, in between the lines. I'm just letting her be, I won't send her messages as much, as the more I think about it, the more I'm just gonna think that I'm not helping at all. Not meaning to look for a pity party here, but that's how it feels. I don't know though if this is going to be easy.

Yea, soon enough my life will just be a scribble of lines.

Seems to fit at this very moment. I have no idea where she is now. It's almost 12 midnight and I don't know if she already home or still out as she mentioned she went to a show tonight. Bottom line is I am not getting anything and I just have no idea at all.

Soon enough, she will find this blog and read this. But what the heck anyway. Things have obviously changed already. If before it felt like her so close to me, now it's like watching her from afar, trying to see her from a distance. It really isn't easy for me going back to how we were before because I've been so used to talking to her every single day. But we'll see what happens soon.

Upside Down

I just can't continue with The Kitty story feeling like this. Feeling like shit.

I really can feel it. From my perspective (obviously), she seems to be different than a few weeks ago. Simply put, I haven't heard her say anything sweet to me for sometime now. This is actually okay if she wasn't that sweet before, but she was. And before, almost all the time, a day wouldn't end with her saying really nice and sweet stuff to me. Now it seems different. She seems different.

Red hearts?



Or any color of hearts for that matter. No, I haven't received anything like this from her for more than a week.

We haven't talked that much these days, and she seems not to be bothered about it, when before she would mention and feel sad if we didn't talk that much for a particular day. Her reactions now seem to be different from before.

I was supposed to see her in two months, but that trip is now in jeopardy. I may take matters in my own hands, or not going at all. If she feels differently now than weeks ago, this won't make any sense anymore.

Is it a crime if I ask her if she misses me like before, or if she misses me AT ALL? Would I be crucified if I ask her if she still feels the same about me like before? If before I knew pretty much how she feels for me, now I have little to no clue at all.

One of these days, I know, I will ask her.

It wouldn't make any real sense if she doesn't feel the same anymore while I am feeling just the same. It wouldn't make any real sense forcing this for the sake of novelty. It wouldn't make any real sense if I'm not "the one" anymore. It just wouldn't anymore.

I know I may sound crazy or paranoid, but I feel things too.

At one point, she told me that I couldn't change my story line, that she was just a scribble of lines.

At one point, I changed my story line because I felt it was the right thing to do, rather than living a life only half of what I was or only half of what I could be.

Now, at this point, I feel like I'm the one who's just a scribble of lines in her life.

Now, at this point, things seem to have turned upside down.

I hope I will know soon what's really happening right now.

Honestly, I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose her, because it has been a long time since I felt something like this. If I lose her, I don't know how long I will have to wait again to have the same feeling. I may be too old already for that by then.

But if it's going to happen, so be it.

The Kitty Story Chapter 6: Leaving my heart in that corner of the world

This day, December 15th, actually marks two months after the events from Chapter 4 up to the first half of this chapter (until after I got to the plane). This marks the second and third goodbyes, the talk in Starbucks, the kisses. Right now, I am reminiscing those times while I type this down, and she's having a great time with a few of her friends.

That third goodbye one of the biggest mixed of emotions that I have ever felt - sad but happy, very hopeful, feeling quite light that a heavy part of my chest was let out, and that simply giddy feeling in a romantic way. She made me feel something that I haven't felt for a long time. She brought out a part of best in me which I didn't realize I would feel (and later on this would really grow).

But looking forward to what I saw as inevitable - I was on my way back home. I was leaving the place that night. That trip which made an unexpected turn was about to end. I was going to face my own reality. And thinking about that too brought in some of its emotions too. How was I to face everyone back home with this emotional baggage? I knew I couldn't be able to hide this, and I wouldn't stomach lying to anyone, especially my girlfriend (at that time). I knew there was going to be some major changes and events that was going to take place once I get home.

So as planned, I had dinner with S's family. Spent my last few hours with the people who I have really considered as my family for almost a decade, along with some weird complications along the way (which these "complications" being the biggest or maybe just the sole reason how I have managed to have a community at their place, which also gave me the opportunity to know T). I was sent off by S and her brother -- who I see as my siblings by heart for life. It would be a pain not to see them when I stop by their place.

And finally, alone time in the airport. By the time I had settled down, I started talking to T again (which she would fall asleep even before I could board the plane). I finally had the time to check out what's in the stuff she gave me.



I carefully removed those gold little things (because I don't want to miss even a single piece of it), and took out that "Which emomonster are you today?" notebook type of thingie (which actually serves as a 'warning memo'). Then it was the first time I saw Kitty - that yellow origami cat (obviously, it's my avatar). I felt so happy receiving these things from her (and even more when I heard the story how she decided on having these to give me).

About to board the plane, I had never felt close to what I felt leaving the place before. It's something like I want to go back to the place definitely, and I will do it soon, with a purpose. I was wishing I had more time to spend in the place, more time to spend with her. Walking outside the airport, towards the plane, I know I had to be back. The sooner, the better.

Aboard the plane. Take off.

Seeing the place that I begin to fall in love with, slowly became smaller from the windows. Seeing the city lights at night time closing in to each other, I was definitely leaving my heart in that corner of the world.

It was a little over than three hours of flight. It should have been my nap time, I was quite sleepy, but I didn't feel like sleeping. I took out my phone, I checked out our few pictures that we had. I took out the stuff she gave me and just looked at it again. I reflected upon the things that had happened, which seemed to be endless.

Finally, motherland.

6 in the morning on the way home, I immediately sent her a message. She just woke up (after falling asleep), and I was wanting to catch up with sleep with my own bed. But we had a very meaningful conversation, following a very eventful day. Just right now I have re-read our conversation that time. I read again with her saying she wanted to wait for my arrival here, that she would miss out the chance to talk to me if she went back to sleep that time, that she gave Kitty to me to make me smile everyday, that the feeling was so nice when we talked in Starbucks the previous day, that she was starting to miss me. She asked me what was on my mind in the bar that night, that how I felt when these other guys we were with asked her to dance.

She told me she was starting to miss me. I just had to stop reading that.

By the time I got to my bed, and pretty much ready to sleep, my body and mind were already tired. But I can still feel my heart left from a far away place.

More to come on what was going to happen as soon as I faced reality, and how T and I continued with this "pseudo" relationship in the next entry.

The Prequel? AGAIN?

I had a great day today overall, and capped by a quick talk with her. Quick but really nice talk (well not that quick). We had a chance of telling each other's days, sharing detailed stories. Everything that we could share to each other, we did. That's the kind of talk that I really missed for the past week. I could hear her enthusiasm telling me, for instance, how she managed to do her DIY gift wrapper (even to that small thing). I appreciate that talk very well. I cherish it very much. And I definitely want to talk to her like that again next time. MEANINGFUL.

So anyway, what about the prequel? Well, it just dawned to me the other night.

But first thing's first -- what is the prequel? (Damn, I lost my picture of it from my 2010 trip and I don't have any other picture of it.)

The prequel is an actual notebook which I bought in KL (wow, a concrete venue!!!) way back in 2005 as my initial diary for S. It was a series of heartfelt entries about her which ran for two months. Check this for more info about it -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/04/prequel.html.

The prequel was also seen by T briefly. I showed it to her, with one of the reasons as a token of my appreciation of following my previous blog. By the time my 2010 KL visit was coming to an end, I left it with S's brother. Check it in here -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2010/01/unexpected-turn-of-events.html. But before giving it to him, I made a soft copy of it.

So why mention it again now? What is its significance at this point?

Nothing, really.

It just surfaced again (from the talk) in my 2013 KL visit. Towards the end of Day 4. Post celebration of S's wedding with her brother and two of his friends (who became my friends too).

All of a sudden, S's brother just mentioned about it out of the blue. He said something like "Hey I still have your old diary. It's in the old house where my cousins are now staying. Do you want it back?"

The first reaction I had was nothing. At least physically nothing. Because I was a bit shocked and all touched. I didn't really expect he would keep it and he would remember it, at least that it's still where it should be. It was really nice of him, and I felt quite closer to him because of that. Well, I really see him as a brother, even before that time.

I told him to keep it where it is right now (also it wasn't exactly within reach at that time). But even if it's just within reach, there was no plan to take it at that point so I wouldn't bother if ever.

Maybe on my next trip, I'll take it home. But for now, it will rest in the same resting place for the last four years (next month).

The Kitty Story Chapter 5: No Alternatve Universe

Another painful parting of ways from that second goodbye. It felt like I was not really satisfied of the outcome. It wasn't anything near that I had pictured out. But of course I had to thank S's mom and brother for giving me that chance to see her again. I can't take that away from them.

Yea, so guess that was it. This actually caps my trip this time. I was about to go back home.

Or was I?

S's mom wanted to have a drink. Starbucks. Nearby. VERY nearby. It was almost 5pm. Office hours were almost over. I knew it all along - it was another chance. Probably the very last chance. For what? A better fitting farewell? Yep, that was definitely what I wanted.

I told T, we weren't leaving the area. We were having some drinks nearby. Lucky that she was about to leave work that time. And she immediately told me that she will come over as well. She was game "torturing ourselves even more" (which I found funny and painfully truthful at the same time). So I was anticipating it again. Gonna see her again, and this time I was very excited.

S's mom, brother and myself were having our stuff, pretty much busy with our own stuff (the brother was busy with my phone checking out some videos of his sister's wedding), with our own drinks. Then a few moments later, S's mom called me out and said...

"Hey, isn't that your friend?"

Then I looked, it was her. Now seeing her in a better ambiance, way better lighting, more relaxed surroundings, and with way less time limit, she was just a nice sight for sore eyes. And again, I was like...



It felt like we haven't seen each other for years when in fact we last parted ways maybe around just 30 minutes before that very moment. It was golden. I felt one of those natural highs that I just didn't want that feeling to end. It was like I was looking at the most beautiful girl in the world, and knowing she came there because of me -- nothing can beat that feeling. Maybe the picture above is a gross understatement.

We sat on a couple of seats outside the shop. I remember I tried to refrain from taking her hand, but it didn't take too long to give in and held her hand. Then we just talked about stuff. I cannot remember everything we talked about but there was one point that she started crying out of her stories, and I just felt her pain and had tears of my own flowing out of my eyes. I just started to care so much for her. I just wanted to wipe all the tears from her eyes and let her feel that I'm here for her. I just wanted to be that guy for her. But, because of circumstances, I couldn't be that guy. Still can't be that guy (yet).

After that talk, she invited me for a tour around that corporate complex. So we drove around the place (even seeing the company which has called me several times). It was a really nice gesture, because probably someday I'll be working around that area. It was like a deeper preview what it's like to be hanging out with her on a normal day.

We got back to the shop, and she also had a chit chat with S's mom. Pretty cool they've then known each other because of me - someone who is a foreigner from their country. It was something less of an achievement, but worthy to be talked about over lunch or coffee. S's mom and brother didn't really know what exactly was happening between us, why was she there, and maybe the best question would be who was she then to me and who I was to her at that moment.

Then, again, she had to leave. We had to part ways. Again. And pretty much this was it, I didn't think there was going to be another "unplanned meeting" quickly after that. It just wouldn't be sensible anymore, and furthermore, I didn't think she would like any further torture after that.

I walked her up to her car. And that very final hug before we let go. It was a very tight hug which seemed that I never wanted to let go, ever. All those memories within a day were all reeling back, realizing it's not gonna happen again, at least not in the immediate future. Even all those thoughts before, those days when I never saw her like that, how everything changed in a whim, all joining my thoughts at that very moment.

Then I looked at her eyes. Those little eyes that simply captured me, along with that face I will never forget. That has probably the moment I looked up to her face the closest, with so much meaning, that everything seemed right when even some things are wrong. I breathed. And without hesitation, and doing it like a man...

I kissed her. On her lips. For three good seconds. And she was of no contest.

That was the most sincere kiss I have given to anyone in my entire life, no matter it seemed to be wrong. It was the most sincere, the most meaningful. And I wouldn't have any other person take her place in that very moment, not even S. It was my moment with her, and no one else. Its own sincerity holds on its own, with its reasons impossible to explain. And I would replay that very moment in my mind for the longest time. And never I would regret holding back from kissing her, no "what ifs" nor "what could have beens", a bit lighter baggage.

There is no alternate universe that would have brought us to that very moment. There is no other side story that would have taken us there. With a lot of unlikely events that has happened since the last decade and even if just one of them did not happen, that very kiss and all the chained events would never have taken place. Fate has sealed that very moment.

If my mom didn't have problems with my dad, she wouldn't found another man.

If my mom didn't find another man, my parents wouldn't have separated.

If my parents didn't separate, my dad wouldn't need to find another woman in his life.

If my dad didn't find another woman in his life, he wouldn't find and meet S's mother.

If my dad didn't find and meet S's mother, my family wouldn't be introduced to their family.

If my family was not introduced to their family, I wouldn't have met S.

If I didn't meet S, I wouldn't have fallen for her and written the diary The Prequel.

If I didn't fall for S, she wouldn't be able to break my heart.

If S didn't break my heart, I wouldn't have created the previous blog The Sequel.

If I didn't create The Sequel, I wouldn't have the reason to look out for some random forums in the internet.

If I didn't look out for random forums in the internet, definitely I wouldn't be able to know T.

That's just one part. The other part is...

If S didn't invite us for her wedding, no reason for me to fly to their country.

If there is no reason for me to fly to their country, obviously none of the things with T would have happened.

Some more to that...

If E's friends didn't invite us for a drink, I don't think T and I would have the same special night.

If my LYN friends whom I asked to drive me to T's office agreed to drive me there, maybe there wouldn't be a chance for that Starbucks talk.

If one of these things didn't happen, or happened differently, I don't think it will ever get us to that very special moment. I don't think we would ever grow to that moment. I don't think I would be ever "to take us right where we are", as she later on described it. That's how I'm quite convinced that fate has something to do with this. Fate wouldn't be able to come up with an alternate universe with the same outcome. I bet my life on it.

And it wasn't just that finished. I went back to the entrance of the shop, then as she almost drove by the place, I came across and stop her quickly. I gave her another kiss. I just couldn't pass up that chance.

I think that was a pretty fitting farewell. Not bad for a third goodbye. Pretty much negates the negative feelings from the first two goodbyes.

So, I was about to go home. Was I really ready to go home and go back to my reality? Some more stuff at the airport and getting back to my motherland in the next entry.

The Kitty Story Chapter 4: Orange

I think I slept around 4AM the previous night (or rather, that was almost morning), and planning to wake up at 10AM. But I was restless, thinking through all of the things that had happened, and maybe woke up around 8AM. Just rolling on the bed, thinking how am I going to see her. I had a few options, but I had to buy some gifts first for my folks back home (because that was the initial plan without all of these). I was supposed to do them all after lunch, but it seemed my mind was blocked out because of her.

Then I finally came a bit to my senses. 10AM, I immediately got up, only brushed my teeth and never bothered to change clothes. I was wearing a small sized shirt, then jogging pants. I even had my socks on and didn't take them off. And rushed to the nearest shopping mall. Bought some stuff for my friends back here at home. And bought T some chocolates IN CASE I already had a way to her (at that time I was still exploring my few options, and none confirmed so far). So I did all that within an hour, got back to my room and packed my stuff.

One option I was having is to get a cab to T's office. Little did I notice that I spent almost all of my money (of their currency) from buying stuff from the shopping mall. I only had a little more than RM50 (wow, that's the first time I think I said something really concrete, so pretty much you know where I was, where these people are from), and that may get me to her place by myself, but I don't think I would be able to get out of there easily. Besides, I would have a plane to catch that night and I didn't want to rush. But anyway, that's one less option for me.

By lunch time I met two of my friends from LYN. They noticed I was feeling blue, and they had a slight idea why. Anyhow, I asked them if they can drive me to T's office but they don't know how to get there. So there, another option thrown out the window.

S's mom wanted to see me before I leave the place, and she actually wanted to send me to the airport (at least S and her brother. So, I just took a shot and asked them if they can drive me to T's place. Lucky me, their house is just near the place and they agreed. My spirits started to go high that moment.

I really had no plan what to do or say when I see her. Maybe one last hug until the next meeting, which was of course uncertain. Maybe one last torture for our emotions before we push ourselves back in our own lives. Maybe one last memory of her face and her warmth before parting ways. I really didn't have any plans.

So there I was, in front of their office front gate. Standing awkwardly while S's mom and brother parked right a few feet away, waiting as well (mental note here that all of them three have met already way back in 2010 very briefly). Holding the chocolates with me, my mind was really blank.

Then, there she was walking. It was like the first time seeing her approaching me that it felt so much different. Like my heart skipping beats. Like a horde of butterflies in my tummy. Like Cupid hitting my chest with a baseball bat repeatedly instead of his usual mainstream bow and arrow. Like wanting to be with her, simple as that. Like pretty much how it's described below.



She actually posted this one in Facebook a few weeks after, as something that she described what she felt in the same moment.

We had a short talk, not the way that I want it to be. But I told her that I wanna know everything that will happen to her from that moment. If a guy who is geographically and physically nearer and basically in a better position that I was to her manages to find her, I would also want to know. I held her hand, and told her "we remain friends." I remember the look on her face at that moment, that sad and frowning look that just tore my heart apart. It hurt me so much looking at her like that.

I told her I wanted to kiss her that moment, no matter awkward or misplaced that very situation was, but didn't. I just let her know of the intention but didn't really do it. She said it would just complicate things. I handed her the chocolates in an attempt to make her feel better, and she handed me this orange colored makeshift envelope which obviously contained some stuff (the photo taken just now, this actually has some golden ribbon things, but I am keeping every single piece of them in the envelope)...



And it came with a nice post-it note along with it.



I was very happy to receive something like this from her, something tangible that is very connected to her.

Then we had to say goodbye. Again. The second goodbye. Seeing her walking away from me was just so painful. And I had to contain myself, not to show my companions there what was really going on. But definitely the pain was difficult to bear. I was starting to wonder how was I going to sleep at night with this kind of feeling. I didn't know exactly how to put this at ease, and I was going to know when I come home. That second goodbye seemed to be the real start of it.

Or was it? Was that it?

You people may have noticed that this is only my point of view. I am not putting much about what happened through her head all along (I know it too). But anyway, catch the next entry what happens right when we left the place.

The Kitty Story Chapter 3: Scribble Of Lines

I'm actually anticipating a long 12-hour work day today, but I'm starting it by continuing this story. I just don't wanna start working, and I am feeling the need to de-stress first. I've actually written a lot of blogs / diaries through my whole life. I think I started this when I was half of my current age. And I have written about many things, much about matters of the heart. I've had various audiences, and so far I think they had mixed reactions. But the bottom line is, every time I write something, it helps me let out some parts of my inner self and helps me relax (even at times I did cry while doing stuff like this).

So where did we left off? Yep, all blurry walking away from her. That first goodbye. This will pretty much cover why this entry is entitled before the blog name. Scribble of lines.

As I entered my room, I exactly knew what it felt, but I didn't exactly know what to do. I basically was not ready, entirely not expecting for this to cap my whole six day trip. I was just crying when I should already be freshening up and anticipating going back home again. But no, that emotional baggage was too much for me to bring home as they were.

Then it brought me back to 2005 and 2010 all over again with S. I never really managed to tell her how I exactly felt for her all along and it just bottled up in me and kinda punished me the whole time. I was thinking - did I want that feeling again? Did I wanna pretend that I could just let this pass again? Or is T gonna be someone that would worth telling the feelings for, whatever the outcome would be?

Of course the big factor there is I have someone who I had a relationship with here back home. It's like a matter of lying to myself and staying within the accepted norm of our society just for me to avoid getting antagonized, or just let it out and tell T straightaway for the sake of not bottling the feelings and hoping for the best. Well, that's the only thing I was thinking of at that time, I didn't want anything grand. I just didn't want hiding feelings again.

She didn't do anything really special, or out of the ordinary. It just simply felt right being with her that night, and I think that does not warrant any explanations at all. And all of those happening at the same time in my head, I was also in awe that how in our four year friendship that I saw her differently only that time.

Hoping to make things easier but not wanting to hide the feelings again, I was wishing she did not feel the same. That it was only one way. Only me. So that it would be easier just to fade away and get back to my old life. But at that very moment, I still didn't know what to do.

I anticipated T getting home around that time, but she seem to came home quite later than expected (there's actually a valid reason why). I went to her something like this "Thanks for the date, I wish I made you feel 'loved' by a guy even just for one night, even though it wasn't real."

But deep in my heart, I definitely wanted it to be real.

It was 2AM, and I was hoping my good friend K was still awake. He is the one that I would trust on things like this. I sent him a message, and luckily he was still up. So within 10 minutes I told him everything, as fast as I could because I still wanted to catch T awake if I decide on something. Well, probably K was shocked hearing what I was saying.

So I made my decision. T was still up. I told her how I feel. I told her that maybe I actually had hidden and latent feelings for her which I did not really make notice. Hoping she would just dismiss what I was saying, but she said something like this.

"You left a heavy heart for me...I never had this feeling for so long...I just didn't know why I am sad when you left, I felt like crying..."

That was a heavy affirmation that I got, that it wasn't one way. She felt the same. And the next series of stuff she said really hit me in my heart.

"Your storyline can't change. Mine is just a scribble of lines..."

That was of course pertaining to my on going life here back home, that seemed pretty all set with my own girl here, that I am not able to change that. Pretty much the whole conversation with her was so heartfelt. I exclaimed that "I just had another best night of my life, and it was with you." I didn't say that lightly, and I know it must count to something really meaningful. Not all the time, even most of my high points of my life I would be able to admit it to myself and say out loud, but that time I really meant it. It was like if I had the chance to replay and relive that night, I would definitely choose it over the rest of my life.

At that point, I told her I wanted to see her again before I leave. It wasn't exactly an easy task because I had no idea how to get to her. She was going to work that holiday and her office isn't really easy to go to. So what the heck, I just tried to rest for a few hours and worry about everything when I wake up the next morning.

So probably I was going to try to sleep with the worst feeling ever. Catch what happens when I wake up after the break.

Losing my mojo

A bit of a break from the story line for now. Something is creeping me in. I don't really like the feeling.

Sigh.



Funny how this four-lettered, single syllabicated English word translates to a relatively hefty tongue job in Filipino (buntong-hininga).

I seem to be losing my mojo. The magic seems to be fading. Things seem to be changing.

Or I'm worrying too much.

Hope it's the latter. Because definitely, I haven't lost the feelings. It's not a challenge for me to channel my energy reliving and reminiscing the things that had happened eight weeks ago. It's pretty easy for me how to re-emulate the same moment, the same feeling as I had kissed her. Twice. Nobody and nothing can replace that most sincere gesture I have ever made and committed to someone.

We're honestly doing ok now, that is if you know us from a far. Yeah, there are still those messages from time to time, sometimes in our own accord, sometimes not. But it just feels different, different from a few weeks ago.

Sometimes, I feel that it's a crime telling her my feelings for her, even though at times opportunity is given. It's just the outcome makes me feel awkward and misplaced, and you know it really isn't that easy to recover from such a situation. But definitely, if it's ok that I exclaim my feelings for her every day, I would. But of course I don't want her to drown with that.

Yeah, in the first few weeks, I have given her a few good surprises (some not even intentional). And I would know how much she loves/appreciates those stuff if she sends me a red heart, or a series of it, just like this.





It pretty much works both ways. It works like a "star" during primary school days after doing something good and you get awarded by that. That was actually taken from a screenshot roughly three weeks ago, when I would always receive those lovely hearts in such regularity. And it would just melt my own heart receiving those. These days, since her holiday, I almost have received nothing. I'm losing it, and I'm not so happy about it. Before, she would notice and say out loud if we're not talking that much for a particular day. Now we haven't talked that much for days, but she seems not to bothered about it.

I know we don't have anything really concrete on our "pseudo"-relationship. I cannot ask for anything at all, I am not in the position to do so. But, down to the deepest corners of my heart and soul, I really appreciate the sweetest things that she has said to me, and they're already engraved in my memory. From the one that she mentioned, after she and her ex broke up, even with other guys lurking around, she said that "I'm the one.", and saying that she still wants to see me when I was hospitalized, that she was hoping she could be with me right that moment. And with her saying that I'm different from the guys she met, that I moved her.

Apart from those stuff she has told me, given this what I do feel for her, there is actually no affirmation on how exactly she feels for me. Does she really like me? Up to what extent? Are we really on the same page or was it just an extended spike or spur of series of moments? She knows my plan, moreover to my visit in 2 months. She knows I have been planning to work near her place sometime next year. She knows I'm going wherever she will be. I'm going after her. And she told me that she is patiently waiting for me (at least that's what she told me weeks back). And if I still own her heart by the time comes, I'll be the happiest guy on the planet. Honestly, I don't really know and I can't really tell what she thinks of that.

I have actually been loving the feeling of nursing this kind of LDR, even if this is nothing close to official. I was quite willing to give up someone so close to me (and I did), and to move on and set my eyes on someone physically far from me. And we are just leaning on technology to let us and help us be in constant contact. I have never been so excited in actually giving a particular time talking to her, anticipating hearing her voice at night. I cannot take this for granted, and I do wonder at times how she feels about it. She even helped me out naming one of my guitars.

No hiding. That's our "rule". And she was the one who set it.

I'm worried that I'm running out of surprises, running out of ideas. I'm just a plain old boring guy, hoping to have ideas how to sustain this. It has been a challenge, especially in the recent weeks, how I can make her feel just as the same as before. When I sent her the flowers on her birthday, along with quite a long email to her. She said that all those feelings she had back then came to her again that moment. So, what happened after that? That's why it's a challenge. And it's a pretty taxing one.

There are a lot that I cannot see and hear, and having faith on something intangible sometimes is not enough. Right now I would want to tell her "Sweetie, I miss you so much and I really want to be with you. I am gonna do everything to make that happen. I want our 2014 to be our year." but is that going to be reciprocated? Or would that just be going misplaced? If I could just look at her eyes again just to let her feel I'm sincere, I would do it in a heartbeat. But now, I need patience.

I want her that much right now. And after that amazing transformation from how I saw her before to how I see her now, it's pretty inexplicable still. Those hidden and latent feelings I mentioned were surprisingly this strong. So strong, that its ripples could shake up my whole life.

But right now, I'm feeling like I'm losing my mojo. I feel something too. Now my life seems like just merely a scribble of lines to her. I don't intend to capture one's sympathy, but I'm just being honest on how I feel.

I need some of these red hearts again.

The Kitty Story Chapter 2: Mambo #5 at Day #5

I'm just updating this entry right after finishing the previous one (for continuity purposes). So yeah, most probably by now she's already asleep. So going back to the story...

There it came, I was finally in their place again. Moving forward to day 5, met the LYN guys already, S finally got married (and finally putting a PERMANENT DOT to the previous blog and all my feelings for her), then getting ready to meet T before wrapping up my whole trip. It was quite like when before meeting S for the first time way back in 2005 in some aspects, something like "Ok, let's get this over with and just go back to our own lives after this."

But, it wasn't. AGAIN.

Day 5 started quite early, as we came from homestay out of the city and had to leave early. S's brother was to drive me back to my hotel for me to catch up with sleep before meeting T. So I think I got back to my hotel around 9am, and before sleeping, I left T a message:

"If I don't answer to your calls/texts, just look for me here. My room is N. Kick me out of the room."

Or something like that. But anyway, she didn't have to go up to my room as I think she was a bit delayed by work. Then she started to send me voice messages while she was on her way. I was like "whoah, it's been awhile since last I heard your voice." It wasn't that special because I was pretty much "drowned" by the people's accent in the place. But yeah, I replied back via voice messages as well.

Then, she finally came. Wearing blue shirt, and a short skirt, also sporting a nice pair of sunglasses. She looked... pretty much the same. Well, I thought she was pretty and I thought that she was pretty ok, but maybe I was just pretty preoccupied by other things to entirely notice her, not to mention we're live far apart (but I do always tell her, since she broke up with her ex, that guys in their place are blind not to see her).

The next events would make me unforgivable, and I won't expect everybody to understand my actions. I will only ask for your respect.

So back to the story, just make a mental note that I was still dating my ex around this time. And seeing T, she was single and I basically was not. So I teased her again about the "date" thingie. You know, it's just like a best friend thing, a harmless one, because I know when I am with her, she would bring me to a good time. So, I paid for our lunch, then while we started walking around the mall as we were looking for something to buy for my dad, I had her grab my arm. It was quite nothing. Then later on, I held her hand. Practically we held hands the whole time that afternoon. We also exchanged pictures of the stuff we tried to fit. I think we looked so sweet, and really there were gestures that made me feel so at ease with her in another level. I was slowly starting to get attached to her. I was feeling it already - when I leave the place the next day, or when that day itself would end, I know I will shed tears. I was already anticipating it, and it was a sad feeling. But I just tried to make the best out of that day, and we were just together for half a day.

So we met up with another friend of ours, from the same forum where we all met. Let's name her E. I kinda teased a bit to E, that I was dating T (later finding out that it upset T a bit, but no big deal). So yeah we just had dinner, and was trying anticipating what's gonna happen after. I really wanted to be with her the whole night, but I was also worried that she might just drive me back to the hotel right after dinner then the night will be finished.

But some cosmic powers must have compelled otherwise.

E's friends called her up and asked if she wanted to have a drink. ON. A. MONDAY. NIGHT. But it seems not to bear as much as it was a national holiday the next day. So, what the heck, why not? It's my last night in the place and maybe I deserve some nice celebration.

This bar we went to is a fairly small place, but big enough for a decently sized dance floor, tables and a miniature billiards table. We were with E's friends, pretty old ones. We were seemed to be the youngest, and I seem to be the lone foreigner. But they were great people, really funny fellows. The live band was very memorable, but not as much as the kind of night I had with her in that place.

We were pretty much all over each other. I held her hand, had her so close to me as if she was mine. We danced, for one in the tune of Mambo #5 (and a lot of other songs which I cannot remember at the moment) with her right in front of me. We drank. One of E's friends kept pulling T to the dance floor, it was funny, and seeing her smiling and laughing from a bit afar made me see her in a different light. Being with her that night simply felt right for no verbal nor written reason at all. Right this moment that I'm typing this, I can remember everything vividly, even the way I smell her hair. Nothing and no one can take how I felt that moment away from me. I never expected it, that I was having another best night of my life, with this girl whom I never expected to be in my life, who was just like a "best friend" from a far, who most probably never realized how far I would traverse for someone. I didn't want that night to end, pretty much caring less if she felt the same way at that very moment.

Then we had to leave the place. We were the first ones in the group to leave. It was almost 1AM. At that moment, I knew it was about to end. That magical night was about to end.

Driving back to the hotel, we were pretty quiet. My heart started to feel so heavy that I knew I was gonna burst. More than halfway the drive, I held to her shoulder, attempting to control my emotions, trying to savor what's left of our night. Then finally, my stop. I gave her probably one of the painful hugs I could give to anyone. The fact that my day started at some way, and absolutely did not expect it to end in that way, the fact that I started carrying this feelings for her which just grew out of proportion within just a day, the fact that that very moment is the last moment I was gonna see her and uncertain when or even IF we will see each other again. I had a lot of things running in my mind while I was hugging her, and wondering how exactly she was feeling. Then I just had to let go.

I walked a few steps away from her car, then I turned one last time for one last wave. As I walked away, my sight was all blurry with all those tears which I kept from flowing (maybe you guys are reminded of the last part from my previous blog -- http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html).

The first goodbye. And I thought that was just it. But that's not even half of it.

Catch what happened when I got back to my room in the next entry.

The Kitty Story Chapter 1: Not really looking forward for Day 5

Right now we're actually talking on Viber. I'm just on hold at the moment. But honestly, I missed talking to her. I missed hearing her voice. And actually, the unwritten "secrecy" of the sole existence of this blog is quite under a threat, because of her. So maybe soon enough she will find out about this.

Thinking about it, there must be some romantic credit I should get here for writing a blog solely about, because and for a girl (well, not really). The last and the only other time I did it was for a very special girl, and this time I am pretty sure the girl is pretty special for me. It's just of course there's this kind of "pressure" that I should be able to pull out something as amazing as what I did in majority of those 45 entries in the previous blog. Not meaning to compare, but now I'm a bit older than then, a part of me is saying that I should already be passed and behind this, but here I am. Possibly, in the brink of "her discovery", I'm anxious. REALLY ANXIOUS that I may appear unnecessarily cheesy. Oh well...

And, she's now about to sleep. And I'm here updating this.

So picking up where I left off in the story. Yea, the "fun" part (well, not so until the next few entries after this)...

June 2013, S visited my family here. We haven't seen each other for just 3 years. But she hadn't seen my family for 8 years. So it was like a mini reunion. She also met a few of my friends and my girlfriend then (now ex, and it's gonna be a big story in here). She announced that she would be getting married a few months from then and invited us to come over their place for the wedding.

So, like a "standard operating procedure", I told T that I'm coming over. October 2013. Without even knowing what's going on. Also at this point, I have already "built and joined" this cyber community from LYN, so I told them about my upcoming visit as well. My priorities for my visit turned out to be (1) S's wedding, (2) LYN people and lastly (3) to see T.

I booked my flight, I was going to be in their place for 6 days, with days 3 and 4 reserved for the wedding. Days 1 and 2 were immediately reserved by two of my best friends from LYN, with all of us excited and anticipating since we're just gonna see each other for the first time. Of course I honestly wanted to see T, but wasn't really that excited after a forgetful 2010 meeting, and we never really had an agenda.

I think we already decided when to meet maybe around 1 or 2 weeks before I got to their place - on Day 5. I was already teasing her about it, that I would take her on a date for one whole day, just her and myself. Little did I know that it was going to be a trap.

Catch the next entry for my arrival at their place.

The Kitty Story: Prologue

So yeah, pretty much today we are almost back to normal. It's just we're pretty much busy the whole day, even more with her since she just got back from her holiday (backlogs, etc). But I'm pretty happy that she does send me messages on her own accord despite her very busy day. Right now she is visiting the doctor due to her bites from sand flies (she just went from a beach). Anyhow, I would want to remove and strikeout most of what I have typed away in the first entry of this blog, but never mind -- I have considered them already "said and done". I am just relieved that I get to talk to her again.

As I have promised, I will tell how this blog is a continuation of my previous blog, and the story's relevance to the blog name "Scribble Of Lines". So this would be quite a series of entries, but I promise to omit the not so important stuff.

As you can see, my new avatar here is an origami of a kitty. That pretty much symbolizes how this new blog started. It's with me now, given to me by her herself. I have been holding it so dear with me these past eight weeks. As the story unfolds, this will be reveals how this kitty came to play. So here it goes...

February 2009, I launched the very first entry of my previous blog (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/your-author-anonymous.html). It was like a far cry for this certain girl (code named 90561495 from the previous blog, but here let's call her S), I was her "secret lover" from two thousand miles away and I was pretty crazy about her and about everything because I didn't have any audience (for some circumstances I just couldn't tell to my real friends). So I decided to open a blog and have the cyberspace be my audience, with me as an anonymous writer.

Just a few months and several entries after, I had a number of readers already. Well, just a modest number but they pretty much followed the whole thing until the end. There was one particular reader, from one of the forums I signed in for. Let's name her T (I don't really intend to hide her identity, just for privacy purposes). I remember her as the one pretty much intent to know the story behind the blog. We immediately became close friends, we exchanged our stories. I think she is my first "real" friend coming from their place (there were actually two of them before her, but communications between those two were cut immediately, and when I used the word "real" here, there is somewhat an explanation).

Several months after, I have planned out to visit S and her mom (because I was pretty close to her mom). I told T about it and we agreed to meet (and show her the diary I wrote about S). So January 2010 (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2010/01/smile-youre-on-camera.html), I came to see S and her family. Then I finally met T. That meeting was just so forgettable and nothing really memorable. But throughout my stay there, T was like my best friend. Knowing everything that had happened while I was there, whining and complaining to her. I think she even heard me cry on the phone. Even though she wasn't that special, I knew in me that I want her to be my friend for the longest time.

After my 2010 visit, we pretty much went our separate ways, occasionally chatting on Facebook. Basically we had our own lives. Easily, because we're just thousands of miles apart. But little did we know that we're going to be special to each other, despite the distance.

So now fast forward to 2013. The fun begins. Catch the story in the next entry.

Two thousand miles away and I'm missing you

Firstly, if anyone of you have managed to get to this blog, I would commend you and would want to ask as well how you found this. As you know, I had a previous blog which ran for 13 months in 2009-2010 about this certain girl, and I was pretty much anonymous in that blog. But at this time, most of the people who read that have known me (some even personally).

And now, I have decided to create another blog under the same name (I'm not bothering to change my name here). This is somewhat a continuation of my first blog (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/), but it's not about the same girl. But it's about one of my readers in my first blog. And right now, I'm not really a "secret lover"

I'll come up with entries on how this is a continuation, but right now I wanna let out how I'm feeling right this moment.

Right now she's out of town, on the way to the airport going home, following a four-day holiday, and she is with somewhat I would call an "old flame" of hers. I don't know exactly how I would act out knowing she has been with this guy, but I am definitely feeling jealous. She knows that's how I feel. But on an absolute level, there's nothing really I can do and nothing warrants me to do anything. It's her birthday gift for herself, and mentioned to me that this guy wanted to fly from his hometown just to see her.

I miss her, so much. For the past eight weeks since I last saw her, since I kissed her, we have been in constant contact practically the whole time. Hearing her voice again for the first time was the best feelings ever I had, until we managed to actually call each other almost every night. Asking how her day has been is always gold. And honestly, there are no clear words how to describe how I feel whenever we talked. Giddy, happy, excited, elated -- maybe these are the closest ones.

During the duration of her holiday is like the first we didn't really talk much. But I am really happy that we exchanged messages when I was rushed to the hospital the other night, that she worries about me, telling me to take care of myself because she wants to see me, that she wants to be updated. But other than that, we weren't in touch that much because I really don't want to disturb her from her holiday apart from my health updates, and those times that we were in touch it seems she's quite cold or too busy. Not meaning to whine about it, but it makes me miss her a lot, and even more jealous knowing she has been with this guy. Yea, before her holiday, there were brief times that she's like that but she has been able to quickly turn it around, but this time has been the longest one.

I've always fear that I may ruin or mess up whatever we already have. I feel I have shown some weaknesses which would have made me look bad. At times I wish I had a bit better control of myself. I know soon I may be able to handle this better when this still goes on, but not now while these are all still new. I'm just putting faith on what we have shared and agreed on so far - the moment we lose the same feeling we shared, we let the other person know. I know for myself that for eight weeks, I still feel the same for her, whether this is already love or something positively strong lesser than love, but either way it doesn't really matter. All at the same time, I am hoping she still feels the same. And it's gonna be a challenge for me to make it stay that way while I AM TWO THOUSAND MILES APART. That's how I feel for her, and I honestly haven't felt like this for a long time (that it made me create a new blog).

I am looking forward for two months from now. We will be seeing each other again, I'm gonna visit her again. Whenever I think of it, it just makes me smile. The last time we talked about this a few weeks back, she is pretty much looking forward for it as well. I just hope she still does, around the same how I feel about it.

Right now, her plane home is about to depart. I'm waiting for her to get home. I hope we get back talking again like before. I'm missing her so much.