Sigh.
Funny how this four-lettered, single syllabicated English word translates to a relatively hefty tongue job in Filipino (buntong-hininga).
I seem to be losing my mojo. The magic seems to be fading. Things seem to be changing.
Or I'm worrying too much.
Hope it's the latter. Because definitely, I haven't lost the feelings. It's not a challenge for me to channel my energy reliving and reminiscing the things that had happened eight weeks ago. It's pretty easy for me how to re-emulate the same moment, the same feeling as I had kissed her. Twice. Nobody and nothing can replace that most sincere gesture I have ever made and committed to someone.
We're honestly doing ok now, that is if you know us from a far. Yeah, there are still those messages from time to time, sometimes in our own accord, sometimes not. But it just feels different, different from a few weeks ago.
Sometimes, I feel that it's a crime telling her my feelings for her, even though at times opportunity is given. It's just the outcome makes me feel awkward and misplaced, and you know it really isn't that easy to recover from such a situation. But definitely, if it's ok that I exclaim my feelings for her every day, I would. But of course I don't want her to drown with that.
Yeah, in the first few weeks, I have given her a few good surprises (some not even intentional). And I would know how much she loves/appreciates those stuff if she sends me a red heart, or a series of it, just like this.
It pretty much works both ways. It works like a "star" during primary school days after doing something good and you get awarded by that. That was actually taken from a screenshot roughly three weeks ago, when I would always receive those lovely hearts in such regularity. And it would just melt my own heart receiving those. These days, since her holiday, I almost have received nothing. I'm losing it, and I'm not so happy about it. Before, she would notice and say out loud if we're not talking that much for a particular day. Now we haven't talked that much for days, but she seems not to bothered about it.
I know we don't have anything really concrete on our "pseudo"-relationship. I cannot ask for anything at all, I am not in the position to do so. But, down to the deepest corners of my heart and soul, I really appreciate the sweetest things that she has said to me, and they're already engraved in my memory. From the one that she mentioned, after she and her ex broke up, even with other guys lurking around, she said that "I'm the one.", and saying that she still wants to see me when I was hospitalized, that she was hoping she could be with me right that moment. And with her saying that I'm different from the guys she met, that I moved her.
Apart from those stuff she has told me, given this what I do feel for her, there is actually no affirmation on how exactly she feels for me. Does she really like me? Up to what extent? Are we really on the same page or was it just an extended spike or spur of series of moments? She knows my plan, moreover to my visit in 2 months. She knows I have been planning to work near her place sometime next year. She knows I'm going wherever she will be. I'm going after her. And she told me that she is patiently waiting for me (at least that's what she told me weeks back). And if I still own her heart by the time comes, I'll be the happiest guy on the planet. Honestly, I don't really know and I can't really tell what she thinks of that.
I have actually been loving the feeling of nursing this kind of LDR, even if this is nothing close to official. I was quite willing to give up someone so close to me (and I did), and to move on and set my eyes on someone physically far from me. And we are just leaning on technology to let us and help us be in constant contact. I have never been so excited in actually giving a particular time talking to her, anticipating hearing her voice at night. I cannot take this for granted, and I do wonder at times how she feels about it. She even helped me out naming one of my guitars.
No hiding. That's our "rule". And she was the one who set it.
I'm worried that I'm running out of surprises, running out of ideas. I'm just a plain old boring guy, hoping to have ideas how to sustain this. It has been a challenge, especially in the recent weeks, how I can make her feel just as the same as before. When I sent her the flowers on her birthday, along with quite a long email to her. She said that all those feelings she had back then came to her again that moment. So, what happened after that? That's why it's a challenge. And it's a pretty taxing one.
There are a lot that I cannot see and hear, and having faith on something intangible sometimes is not enough. Right now I would want to tell her "Sweetie, I miss you so much and I really want to be with you. I am gonna do everything to make that happen. I want our 2014 to be our year." but is that going to be reciprocated? Or would that just be going misplaced? If I could just look at her eyes again just to let her feel I'm sincere, I would do it in a heartbeat. But now, I need patience.
I want her that much right now. And after that amazing transformation from how I saw her before to how I see her now, it's pretty inexplicable still. Those hidden and latent feelings I mentioned were surprisingly this strong. So strong, that its ripples could shake up my whole life.
But right now, I'm feeling like I'm losing my mojo. I feel something too. Now my life seems like just merely a scribble of lines to her. I don't intend to capture one's sympathy, but I'm just being honest on how I feel.
I need some of these red hearts again.
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