Firstly, if anyone of you have managed to get to this blog, I would commend you and would want to ask as well how you found this. As you know, I had a previous blog which ran for 13 months in 2009-2010 about this certain girl, and I was pretty much anonymous in that blog. But at this time, most of the people who read that have known me (some even personally).
And now, I have decided to create another blog under the same name (I'm not bothering to change my name here). This is somewhat a continuation of my first blog (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/), but it's not about the same girl. But it's about one of my readers in my first blog. And right now, I'm not really a "secret lover"
I'll come up with entries on how this is a continuation, but right now I wanna let out how I'm feeling right this moment.
Right now she's out of town, on the way to the airport going home, following a four-day holiday, and she is with somewhat I would call an "old flame" of hers. I don't know exactly how I would act out knowing she has been with this guy, but I am definitely feeling jealous. She knows that's how I feel. But on an absolute level, there's nothing really I can do and nothing warrants me to do anything. It's her birthday gift for herself, and mentioned to me that this guy wanted to fly from his hometown just to see her.
I miss her, so much. For the past eight weeks since I last saw her, since I kissed her, we have been in constant contact practically the whole time. Hearing her voice again for the first time was the best feelings ever I had, until we managed to actually call each other almost every night. Asking how her day has been is always gold. And honestly, there are no clear words how to describe how I feel whenever we talked. Giddy, happy, excited, elated -- maybe these are the closest ones.
During the duration of her holiday is like the first we didn't really talk much. But I am really happy that we exchanged messages when I was rushed to the hospital the other night, that she worries about me, telling me to take care of myself because she wants to see me, that she wants to be updated. But other than that, we weren't in touch that much because I really don't want to disturb her from her holiday apart from my health updates, and those times that we were in touch it seems she's quite cold or too busy. Not meaning to whine about it, but it makes me miss her a lot, and even more jealous knowing she has been with this guy. Yea, before her holiday, there were brief times that she's like that but she has been able to quickly turn it around, but this time has been the longest one.
I've always fear that I may ruin or mess up whatever we already have. I feel I have shown some weaknesses which would have made me look bad. At times I wish I had a bit better control of myself. I know soon I may be able to handle this better when this still goes on, but not now while these are all still new. I'm just putting faith on what we have shared and agreed on so far - the moment we lose the same feeling we shared, we let the other person know. I know for myself that for eight weeks, I still feel the same for her, whether this is already love or something positively strong lesser than love, but either way it doesn't really matter. All at the same time, I am hoping she still feels the same. And it's gonna be a challenge for me to make it stay that way while I AM TWO THOUSAND MILES APART. That's how I feel for her, and I honestly haven't felt like this for a long time (that it made me create a new blog).
I am looking forward for two months from now. We will be seeing each other again, I'm gonna visit her again. Whenever I think of it, it just makes me smile. The last time we talked about this a few weeks back, she is pretty much looking forward for it as well. I just hope she still does, around the same how I feel about it.
Right now, her plane home is about to depart. I'm waiting for her to get home. I hope we get back talking again like before. I'm missing her so much.
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