The Kitty Story Chapter X + 2: The Open Ended Conversation

Ok, this one is going to be a bit crunchy, and may make some noise. But this is not to antagonize anyone. Just part of exercising my right to grieve.

And by the way, I'm a bit feeling relatively better now compared to the past few days. So I am quite more fit to approach this particular entry better than any other day. This is going to be one heck of a cerebral entry.

This entry is to decipher what happened last Sunday morning, and how did our conversation go.

As I woke up that morning, and saw two of her Facebook posts which seemed she was not doing ok (where I assume/d those posts have nothing to do with me). It seemed quite alarming for me, so I sent her a message in Whatsapp to check her out. Here how it went (corrected all those grammatical/typographical errors and txt types):

9:39 me : hey are you ok?
10:40 HER: morning
10:41 me : morning
10:41 me : are you ok?
10:43 HER: not really
10:43 HER: but i'll deal with it
10:43 me : what happened?
10:45 HER: things happened between me and the guy
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 HER: i need to talk to you as well
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now
10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings
10:52 me : ok. thanks for telling me.
10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that
10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:53 HER: i just can't go on
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list
10:54 me : ok
10:55 me : before i say something else, i want to let you know that my feelings for you never changed. it really surprised me.
10:55 HER: i do not know what future holds there for me. but i just need to move on.
10:55 me : but yea. this is so heartbreaking for me.
10:56 me : anyway, you won't hear from me again ever.
10:56 me : i will cancel my KL trip
10:56 HER: hey
10:56 me : i wish you happiness
10:56 me : thanks for everything
10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

Then I blocked her out in Whatsapp after the last message (which maybe took me at least five minutes because I had to learn how to do it in a new phone with a new OS - which is a Windows phone), uninstalled my Viber. Placed Kitty and everything that came along with her in a box where I won't open for a long long time. Then finally deactivating my Facebook account.

But noticed I also included the timestamps. This will come along with the decode.

By these logs alone, I can tell two mutually exclusive hypotheses: either she wasn't ready to tell me the truth that time (that I caught her in a bad time, obviously because of the two Facebook posts prior to this conversation), or she never really cares if I only knew a part of the truth (which is now she is going out with a guy). Either way, she never bothered to tell the whole truth, and there are more than a single way to tell me after that conversation if she really cared.

10:45 HER: things happened between me and the guy
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now

Things happened between him and her. At first I thought they had this big fight and it was quite serious, as my impression to this is the guy and the guy she's going out now are two different guys (jealousy problem, or similar to my own predicament now).

I thought she was gonna explain what are the things happened to her and the guy. But she didn't. "Things happening between two people" can mean a lot of things. It made me think that the guy and the guy she's going out now are just the same guy. But of course, nothing conclusive about that. It's just a speculation, nothing more.

10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list

So I asked. Directly. Nicely. No unnecessary words used.

Friends, whether you're in a professional or in a social line of conversation, it is just UTTERLY RUDE not to answer a nicely presented question with the object of answer you're being asked of, unless you are qualified not to answer what you're asked of.

I think my question is nicely presented. I think this qualifies for the object of answer that I asked.

I did not ask if this guy is in her fb list or not. I asked who the guy is. Big chance that I don't know him, but if this qualifies, this warrants that at least she describe him to me, how does she know him, or anything that's more concrete that "not being in my fb list" as anyone would accept as object of the answer in question.

I missed asking the question on since when they starting seeing each other. At how the conversation looks like at that point, it doesn't seem she would tell me on her own without being asked. I would touch on this part again as this entry progresses.

10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen

Saying sorry is almost an always instinctive go-to word that people usually say when other people get hurt. I give her that. But "I don't mean this to happen"? If you're going to say something like this to someone you've hurt (because sometimes, like this one, it can't be avoided), make sure you back it up why you "don't mean this to happen". or at least show an effort of backing it up, even if it could be senseless (because it shows you actually care because you're trying to justify it, not say it just for the sake of un-antagonizing yourself with that one liner, while you wait for the response of the person you're talking to/hurting).

And this actually supports both of my hypotheses.

10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

The first thing that should be noticed here are the timestamps. And this actually worsens what I just said previously. Between her two messages 10:56 and 11:06, ten minutes in between. Then another five minutes until my last message. And maybe around five minutes more before I blocked her out in Whatsapp. Twenty minutes, tops. I actually did this on purpose. She had twenty minutes tops. If she really wanted to explain everything that she needed to tell me, that was her window. But she didn't. Never bothered. Which brings me messages back...

10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me

Everything she told me, and everything that I see here, all those were just the things she felt/feels she only needed to tell me. I deliberately didn't ask much questions, invasive or not, as I was already gauging her at that point if she really cared for me, even at that point of hurting. And just to be fair about it, if within that twenty minutes, all those uncontrollable events or instances didn't favor her in telling me everything THAT I NEEDED TO KNOW (over the things she felt she needed to tell me), there has been so much time after that - between around 11:15am that morning until right this very moment. That's three and a half days. That's 108 hours. And she would only need maybe around five to ten minutes, several lines of messages, to tell me WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW. I had not only been reachable by Whatsapp, Viber or Facebook. There are other ways anyone can reach me.

Maybe I was right in my last message.

11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

At that moment, I could have blindly figured out she wouldn't even bother explaining the gray areas of our conversation after that. I guess I was right.

It is even all possible that if I didn't check her out that morning, she wouldn't even tell me that moment that she was already seeing someone. But of course, I wouldn't know now as it's gonna be a speculation for the longest time.

If you really care for the person that you know you're gonna hurt, it's better to tell that person everything that he/she needs to know. If you ain't got a clue what he/she needs to know, it means you don't care enough. That it's okay you with what you just said and let him/her hang with questions. And that's gonna take a toll on your integrity as a social person. No one should need a big reminder as this just to save yourself from such a shortcoming.

A few more tidbits within that conversation alone.

10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings

I know I have already mentioned this here a few times, but more than once she told me "I WILL PATIENTLY WAIT FOR YOU, NO MATTER WHAT." We were both so excited about my supposed to be February trip to her place, and got so bummed when it was cancelled. But that was just a supposedly added excitement to our story. My whole plan was to get a permanent work there so I get to be with her. My TRUE timeline was Q3-Q4 of this year. I have my contacts, people there have been calling me. She knows this. I was so ready to leave my life in here, sacrifice everything I needed to sacrifice, even getting ready to leave my own band (which has been in the middle of something of a really big good news). Everything, just to be with her. Just to make EVERYTHING CONCRETE. She isn't the only only thinking about SEEING THINGS THAT ARE CONCRETE. Everyday I had to dread of waiting for that very day. And I had been very focused on her every single day, just relying wholly on technology and hoping someday that I don't need to rely on it and just have her in my arms. Simple as that.

But with her, it seemed to her that everything that I have been dreaming of were just at a corner the whole time.

Well, this is where I had risked myself. There was always been a part of our story where if we ever find someone else along the way, we have to tell the other. That part was the risk. I guess I have been fervently hoping that we both don't find someone else, that she didn't find someone else because I know what I feel for her is seriously special. That I never felt this way for another person at this level before.

I guess I held on too much on what she told me.

10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that

Ironically, I didn't have to do a lot to maintain how I feel for her. Everything was just so effortless. Which is really special, just as to support what I just said previously.

----

So that's just about the conversation alone. There is more (but not too much more, I promise). Beyond the conversation. Aftermath, maybe?

I got partly confused why such the series of her Facebook posts before and after our last conversation.

After a few happy posts just after April Fools, which includes two paper arts, her expression of love (for someone, obviously), and feeling blessed for having Teddy, I thought that it was kind of odd (because she never posted about her expression of love). I thought less of it, but deep in me I wondered if she actually already found someone. So I waited if she was going to tell me, holding on to our agreement (which she herself has said) - "NO HIDING".

A few days after came Sunday morning when we had the last conversation. Her posts seemed to went upside down (correcting grammar/typo errors):

"Have I made a wrong direction? It's so hard for me to cope alone! — feeling depressed."
"Slept with the worst feeling ever! — feeling horrible."

These were what I saw that made me check on her. Then she posted almost right after our conversation:

"The worst ever month I have in my life... — feeling pained."

Well, after confirming that the earlier happy posts entails her having found someone (which also includes her expression of love), shouldn't she be happy about it? It had only been what? Two days around that time?

[No not really. I somehow found out that this has been going on for more than a week already. Last week of last month. Not gonna tell how I found out, but it's not too hard to see. If I am correct, so much for "NO HIDING".]

If all of these have something to do with me, well she would/will get over it the shortest time possible. It won't be long that she will be posting happy posts again. But by how our conversation went, I highly doubt these have something to do with me.

Which leaves us to - not having something to do with me. If this is true, I am clearly out of her storyline now.

Which makes me... the title of this blog. Just a Scribble Of Lines. She made her choice on her storyline. My life is just a Scribble Of Lines.

If this particular entry will make its way to her, if she herself reads this, I know she will get mad at me, as almost everything that I mentioned here are all based on assumptions. She may curse me, and hate me for the longest time.

But surprise surprise! Not telling everything and leaving gray areas out in the open just actually leaves a room for questions. No one actually wants to be left in the dark with open ended conversations.

I really don't need her explanations now (not that she will give it to me if she gets mad at me), but maybe it would be prudent if she knows how this amplified in such a proportion, that she may never leave open ended conversations and let doors for questioning and assumptions to the next person.

That NO ONE ELSE WILL DO THIS AGAIN.

I hope no one would be left questioning and trying to finish even but a grain of truth, especially in the matters of the heart. And as for the other side, I hope everyone cares for everyone we all care about. That we all make every effort to say everything we all need to know, even if YOU OWE NOTHING TO THEM. And also, we should all be careful of all seriousness and heartfelt things that we say to those we care for, and more importantly to those who care about you. These become engrained in our hearts that if we fail to make it through, we'll just hurt the other person. We may be forgivable, but at times not forgettable.

I hope we all do not need a big reminder as this to realize all these.

----



No.

You'll be on a pedestal.

I'll become the stranger.

----

Thank you for the readers who have followed this blog (if I have readers). I'll be making my last and very final entry for this blog soon. I'll be all fair in that very final entry. And I'll be saying my proper goodbyes to my very special friend Kitty, and all the once great and fantastic things, feelings and events that came along with this whole story.

The Kitty Story Chapter X + 1: No more stealing another day with her.

Chapter X denotes to the un-estimated chapters before the final chapters. This is the start of the final chapters.



This one is a bastardized quote from the novelist Hanif Kureishi.

And she herself quoted the original a few days after I left their place. After those kisses. She is pertaining to our non-official pseudo-relationship which started around that time.

Now, I have tailored and bastardized the quote in my own predicament.

Whatever we had between then and now, no matter how it declined through the months, it ended yesterday.

And no matter how it ended yesterday, it ended with me loving her. Now, I got to stop that feeling no matter how it hurts to badly.

So what happened?

She is now starting to see some other guy. Who this guy is, she didn't tell me who even though I asked her nicely.

This is the first time I ever had my heart broken so badly like this in years. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I am truly left with nothing but my FALTERING COURAGE to go on. I am like an aimlessly lost soul, wondering if I'll be found again ever.

Oddly enough, I would tell her musingly "Catch you later!" and there were occasions that she would respond positively that sometimes it would just make me smile senselessly. That I really intended to catch her, either for a moment or if she falls for me.

But now, there is no more catching. Ironically, I fell for her but she isn't there anymore to catch me. I just fell on the concrete real hard. The impact that hit me is just no like other pain that I have ever experienced.

So much for "I'll be patiently waiting for you, no matter what."

No more red hearts.



No more Viber calls.



No more feeling like this.



No more showing each other what meals we had or how we look at certain moments.

No more good morning and good night greetings.

No more exchanges of random voice notes and sweet nothings.

No more chance of stealing another day with her.

No more.

Right now, it seems that I'm trying to wildly trying to grasp her, just flailing around what I can. But who am I fooling? I know she won't be there within reach.

She may now not admit that I am not a footnote in her life, but soon enough this will be true. I am just making this happen a little faster.

I'm just gonna be a footnote in her life, one way or another.

As I type this with a heavy heart, I feel lost and stranded.

First night: Meds not working

This is the first night of torment. As my Facebook account is currently deactivated, I'm posting in here instead.

It's almost 3 in the morning. I have work just hours from now. The sleep medicine isn't seem to be working. This is just nuts, I need my sleep.

Help.

The Kitty Story Final Chapters: End of the Road

The Kitty story made a very sharp curve earlier today. It's meeting the end of the road.

I cannot type out all what happened due to my current emotional condition. I will get on to it once I am able to do so.

But seems this is the start of the final entries of this blog. The all-culmination of the past six months of my life.

Became so insanely beautiful in my eyes

I promise, this will just be a very short entry but a very direct one.

It's just so crazy how someone who was just a normal friend to me some years back, who just looked normal to me all those times became so insanely beautiful in my eyes in just a blink of an eye. Just because of that single day.



And I'm still feeling the same for the past few months. I don't think this will just die down soon.

I don't have any explanations for that turnaround. Not that I need it.

First time missing a beat

In times of our loneliness, we often find ourselves looking for love in the obvious form of another person, wondering where he/she is gonna come from and where he/she is right now, not even realizing someone else is already capable of giving it to you.

Well, that's how some things go. It's just the way it is. We often look for someone who we secretly want and simply overlook those few people who secretly want or love you.

I wonder if she still feels the same. I really don't know.

Just recently, I had to change phones. And I came across our old logs from our WeChat conversations. It's just so astonishing how someone could have been so sweet (in all those hard evidence) and just make such a hundred eighty degree twist, leaving me partly wondering why. Yeah, we could be senseless, but I would appreciate it more if she said it to me directly rather than going cryptic through a few lines of lyrics.

Reading those logs and listening to her audio recordings, it's as if I almost forgot we had those memories. They are very special, and I am very thankful to today's technology that I am able to keep them just as the same quality like we had them at that time. We really had it going those times, and all those very nice and sweet nothings just kept on pouring.

But she just had to turn it around. Then asked for being on a low profile. Then now I feel she has been distant, on purpose.

Yeah, at some point a few months back, she kinda "assured" me that she still feels/felt the same way as before. But looking at what's been happening and not happening recently, I am quite convinced that she isn't feeling the same anymore.

And, I am not stern enough to ask her straight. I'm just not in a good position to do it.

She has no idea what kind of feeling she has given me. I hope I can just escape this very easily. But no, I just often find myself looking at her pictures. I often find myself simply thinking about her. On extended times of the day. It's hard to explain on flat words but this kind of feeling that I have for her, I don't think I will have that same feeling again for another girl for a long time.

For my next visit, I would risk myself out there for her. At least to have the same feeling that we shared the last time we were together, even just for a short time. Even for just that ten days. Even if I know to myself this won't work out (maybe a little chance by a long shot, but I don't know). It would be so nice to have that chance to have that same feeling again, right being with her with that same warmth.

But if by then, she would already found someone else, I'm definitely gonna cancel my trip. I'll leave her be. I'll let her go. That's how much I'm in love with her.

Yesterday, it's the first time since the day we were together, that we totally didn't have any form of communication the whole day. First time we missed a beat. After a few times that happened recently that she left me messages around 11 in the evening, it didn't happen last night. Guess we were both awfully busy (at least I myself was hella busy the whole day).

----

And tonight we finally hear some news about #MH370. Rest in peace to all 239 souls in that flight, and I send my deepest condolences to their families and friends.

Feeling half drunk

I am starting to type this, feeling half drunk.

She is my topmost priority for my next visit. If things change the way that doesn't go the way of my most little expectations, I may actually not push through going there. Three more months down the road.

It's quite obvious that this particular guy caught her attention. She said she is still trying to see if he is really sincere or not, as she is still having issues trusting guys.

But this is making her go crazy. Crazy enough to make her lose sleep.

So what now? That makes me what now?

I know we had an accord that we should tell each other if one of us finds someone. And I'm still staying true to it. But, at this point, I didn't expect this to be coming a bit too heavy on me. We had an accord at the time not much had happened between us.

But between that time and now, she really grew on me. I really fell for her that hard. So hard that I really want to pursue her.

But now, I am helpless.

Honestly, it could have been way a lot easier if she wasn't sweet to me for those six weeks. If she didn't give me that feeling. For so long I have been holding on to that feeling she gave me. I would replay in my head all that short time the last time I was with her, and I would dream of her from time to time. And it used to help a lot if we reminisce those times, if we talked about how we exactly felt at those times. Everything was out in the open. And I go on and on telling a lot of things about how she made me feel. She had me thinking about her all the time.

Until now. No matter how things went. Even now most of the time she HAS BEEN making me feel she has lost the same feelings.

And all of these I am sure she is not aware.

At one point, she told me once something like "let's see up to where this will take us." I would like to know. As I would be blinded wholly by how I strongly feel for her, but the lyrics she posted seems fit for us - "It was more than worth it but not too sensible...". But I don't care even if I see that way now, I would like to know how far can we go, or maybe a better fit "could we have gone".

That's the big part of her being my topmost priority. Hoping to pick up where we left off a few months ago.

If she isn't entirely the same girl, if she indeed really lost that same feelings, why the hell should I bother going there again? Why the hell should I bother visiting for my other priorities?

Yep, I would be wasting my airfare money that way. But better that than wasting even more money while feeling fuckin' sorry for myself.

The changes in her were the most bothersome. As I said, if she wasn't really sweet to me before, it could have been easier. But no, she was definitely sweet. And the changes in her really bothered me. We started talking less, she wasn't the usual sweet girl to me. Her messages to me were starting to be less frequent. She never complained not talking too much anymore. She wanted a low profile, but it appeared to be more than that. She would say sorry for the changes, but nothing really she would do about it. At first I was thinking it was because of work, but after the months grew, it's just different. She feels different. And she is not telling me anything why. I am somewhat left in the dark, and all the while I have been always passionate on wanting to let her know how I feel for her.

And what really sucks the most. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, even if it feels incriminating or not, it wouldn't really help at all BECAUSE NOBODY OWES THE OTHER PERSON ANYTHING. In particular, SHE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING. So that kinda makes me really helpless. I can't do anything at all.

No matter how I think back that I got much of her attention, now some other guy has her attention. And her sleeping time.

At one point, she told me at least a few times that she would be patiently waiting for me. Now I don't feel so.

We may not be too sensible, but if ever this would end in a not so good way, I am very sure it will take a very long time to have that same feeling again. That feeling that she gave me. It is simply irreplaceable.

We may not be too sensible, as I may have foreseen I may have a tendency to hurt, but with her I think it will just end up her hurting me. But I would like to find that out myself. Because I want to be with her, even if it may hurt me.

I love her. That much.

Quietly remains the same

Post Valentine's Day. Earlier today I posted this in my Facebook:

Post Valentine's Day 2014 reflection:

It has been four months and...

[insert long, heartfelt and meaningful reflection here]

But still, my heart quietly remains the same.

I was on the road when I posted this but I didn't include '<>' just for the sake of saying the last line quickly. There really is a long, heartfelt and meaning reflection. And I'm going to try to spell them out here now.

Valentine's night, I had a gig. A solo gig. Fourth time doing solo, second time in this particular venue. I was with a few friends, and basically was serenading those with their Valentine's dates. I sucked that night. I wasn't nearly as good as the previous time I sang in that place, which was just last week.

That night wasn't particularly a disaster. Well, driving that stretch of 20 kilometers for more than two hours wasn't really pleasant, and it took a toll on me physically. Could have been a factor why I sucked that night.

But I still can't get past the thought that I could have been there. Right there where she is. I still can't get past the thought last night could have been some kind of a culmination of where would be really headed. I honestly thought (and actually, still think) that Valentine's Day has been a no biggie for me, but this time she gave me that different meaning or purpose for it just for this year. Just for this time. For weeks, WE had been anticipating that very day to come but I'm not so sure if we both or I alone had worse luck.

I sang the song that I wrote for her. The theme of this whole story. Steal A Day With You. At that moment standing in front of that small crowd, sharing to them how I have been feeling. You know, due to some circumstances of being physically distant from each other. That I just want to spend my time with her, hoping just to steal a day just to be with her. It was my third song in my set list. And I sang it the worst ever I did.

I told her that I sucked that night. I told her I hurt my throat halfway the set. But I didn't tell her I was missing her badly that very moment. I just couldn't tell her that as it may sound out of line and it would make me feel that it seemed like a crime again.

It's quite a small chain of frustrations, and that one is on the end part.

She just seems like hot and cold these days. Some days she is warm to me, some she is quite ice cold. But definitely the sweet girl she was to me a few months ago is not there. Pretty much the same. It's just hard for me to grasp that something she told me that I have her attention, that I was "the one", whatever she meant by that (as she has this knack saying something which actually meant different from my own interpretation).

Well, at times I do reflect that things could have been easier for me if she was never sweet to me to begin with. But she was. It makes me miss her not just physically, but everything that she is. She gave me that feeling and now I am missing it and I have little to no clue at all why.

She shared me this story before my gig. On the other end of it, she told me that she has this issue trusting guys. That some guys did hits and runs on her, I'm not sure up to what extent. That her instincts fail on her, and that one too I'm not sure what she meant.

Is that a reason why the change? I mean I can't blame her for her trust issues if those stories which paved her way for those issues are really that hurtful, but would it be polite if she told me that those changes in her towards me are because of those trust issues? What happened to that no hiding thingie? I'm definitely not putting myself in some pedestal, having some confidence in myself that I can tell her she can fully trust me, but telling me would work very well for me.

I'm going to be honest about this. Yeah, we don't have an official relationship besides being friends. But we pretty much know we feel special for each other. But if before, in that one whole month of November, it was very easy and natural for me to make her feel special every single day, now it seems that she isn't allowing me to. She wants to be on the low profile, but it feels further than that. It seems that I am being shut out. And only those limited moments where she is quite warm to me are the ones saving it. Something that I posted in Facebook last month...

"Girls, if your guy constantly puts in the effort to make you feel special every day and the moment you take this for granted (or at least you make him feel that way), you lose your right to complain when he does the same to someone else soon enough."

Right now, there's no one else. Four months since that day. And I don't know what will happen in the next months down the road. My heart quietly remains the same.

Loving from a distance

I could be flying to her place this coming Saturday. More than a month ago, I had been anticipating this day coming and nobody can really actually feel the magnitude of excitement I was feeling. I was already imagining what was going to take place for this coming weekend. And I knew, she was equally excited as well.

But no. The worst word that I can put to it is it's going to be postponed. For the next few months.

But is it just that postponed? Is that really it?

She was quite open on how she exactly felt on a lot of things, and pretty much I knew everything about it.

But now, she is just seem so guarded. All of a sudden. And I have honestly been struggling within myself how should I be acting. I miss her, I miss our talks. I miss how we talked before, and how I wish she would say "suddenly I miss your hug" again. How I wish she would make me feel that she is cherishing whatever we have right now (at least what we were since the last time we were together). I may seem not showing her stuff these days, whether this is like my instinctive reaction on how she is to me now, or if I am unaware that she has her own reactions from me as well. But definitely deep in me, I miss her. Deep in me, I still feel the same since four months ago. I could had have this most memorable Valentine's date in less than two weeks from now, but it's all nothing now, and the "scheduled" day we will be meeting again won't be as within the same vicinity as what I have anticipated.

The replays in my mind have been reeling on and on for days and weeks. What I feel for her is really special. I have never really felt this way for a long time, that I want to fight for this. I already materialized refusing living half hearted, half meant, because I want to be truly happy. And I feel that happiness with her. Still I have been fostering those same feelings and I don't really feel that it's a chore.

Low profile. That's what she wants. Whatever she meant by that, up to whatever extent, she didn't bother explaining, assuming that it's already self explanatory.

She may still want to have her options open, which is pretty reasonable of course. That also I told her in our second goodbye that I won't allow pursuing a romantic relationship with her while I am away. And if true love in someone else's form manages to come to her, I told her to let me know. I want to know what's going to happen to her from that day on. And on the other hand, if I find someone else, I would do the same as well. I will tell her.

But I would really hope right now, whatever is happening right now, that she would tell me things that I will need to know. I am really holding on to what she said - a big NO HIDING. Because I may dubiously feel that she may be hiding some things that I may need to know, but what can I do? Nothing, really. I'll just have to patiently wait and just see what happens while I do my own thing and trying my best to keep the flame (or whatever you want to call it) alive and burning.

As for myself, I don't really have anything equally important to tell her, aside from my everyday life in here (which she once referred as exciting, so as she feels that I can do pretty much anything that I want to do). I told her recently that one of my friends set me up for a blind date this Valentine's day, in recognition of my hidden but obvious frustration of missing that once in a lifetime would-be-very-memorable Valentine's day in her place, with no one else but her.

Sometimes, I ask myself for this theory - did she really expect that I would still feel the same after coming back home four months ago? Or was she thinking at some point we would just be going back to our old selves? As for myself, I really couldn't tell in the first few weeks. But what I had been feeling, together with what have transpired since then, whatever it is that's within me, it has been growing. Maybe blindly, but yeah it has been growing. Maybe that's the real mechanism of "loving from a distance" (but I am not making any conclusive notions that I already love her nor I am already in love with her, as it's not really that important at this point).

I want to pursue her, and I wish I am not going to be delayed further because really, if I had better control of things within reach, I'd already be quite physically close to her, even months or years before I started falling for her. But now, the recent events have really reinforced wanting to be with her, genuinely. I may wish for an easier road leading to her, but right now at this setup and what I'm seeing (and not seeing) ahead, I wouldn't want it in any other way. If I really set my eyes on her and work hard for it (and of course, a risk of getting heart broken), that's the road that I want to take.

But now, I just have to rely on technology and wish for the best.

What Women Want, really?

I know I'm quite behind schedule. It has been another rough week for me (well not that really rough), but basically I was losing time to be in here. And I've got tons to say as of now. So here it goes.

Last week, I came across this article, entitled "What (Most) Women Want"...

http://thesinglewoman.net/2014/01/13/what-most-women-really-want/

Listed here are obvious and almost obvious things guys should very well take note when speaking of "putting the best foot forward" for the ladies, to promote appreciation, sincerity, conservatism, true and sheer love, and pretty much the rest of importance of what society is expected from us guys on how we should be treating the ladies (if trying to see all of these from the third person perspective). Don't get me wrong - I love these stuff. I would promote the same stuff. I love pampering the ladies, I would be 100% sincere to them. I would be conservative for them (or at least appear conservative). I would appreciate them wholly. It's not really hard to make me to all of these, but there's a 'but' after that (and I think this applies to most).

There are a good number of ladies have this as an "excuse" just to watch and sit out watching us do what we have to do while these ladies make a science out of it (which is of course unnecessary). The result? The ladies give out mixed signals. At times it's hard to spot the signs if they really want to be pursued or not. At times, when we guys give out compliments, though the latter may not be that mandatory, but the expressed gratitude just messes things up.

Then what happens next? Guys are kept hanging. Guys are seemingly becoming social experiments.

Now who wants that? Setting gender disparity aside, absolutely no one wants to be kept hanging. No one wants to a social experiment. Though there are some who loves that kind of adventure.

I'm not saying that I'm in that kind of situation right now because I am definitely not in that kind of situation. But if I would be in that situation again (I'm sure soon), I hope I wouldn't be kept hanging because I am sure I will not have the intention to do that. And if I would get turned down, I hope I get turned down in the best timing with the good reasons. I would definitely act out the best I could with the right signals.

But in what situation am I now with her?

Firstly, there are no more "I suddenly miss your hugs" or "we didn't talk much today" or "wanna talk?" or stealing pictures or having her sing and record Smile For Me. No more of those and a lot more stuff in the past few weeks.

She seems very guarded now compared before. She just told me awhile ago that she just wants to stay on low profile.

As for myself, I may appear to be a bit more detached, but I'm still here. I still feel amazingly the same for her. I just can't seem to send the message across. Because she seems very guarded.

More on this in the next entry. Soon.

Turning three months, but no turning corners

For prologue of entries, this may be one of the weirdest ones (and not to mention, out of line).

I dreamed of her last night. She fetched me in the airport. Moments later, we were making out.

Now, that's not yet the clincher. The clincher is I told her about it. Casually. Her reaction wasn't really good. What was I thinking? Or, was I thinking at all?

But anyway, it's all good now.

So, I promised a more cerebral approach to all of this. So, I'm going to try my best in here.

Tomorrow marks three months (of pretty much explain in here numerous times already). And the whole mechanism of it is I really fell for her quite hard, and you know, seeing the two part of how this is moving - (1) how I show it to her, and (2) how I truly feel for her. There is a significant difference how these two parts are compared from last November. I was tending to show her exactly how I feel for her. Now, I feel just as the same, but I have taken showing her stuff a notch down, or two. As from how I observe things the past weeks, this I'm not sure if this is a necessary adjustment or more like a instinctive reaction, or a mix of both.

The everyday things which are still there that I described earlier - yeah, we do sent each other messages on our own accords quite equally. And, most of it, I honestly feel that they are not forced. I still do feel that I don't think I couldn't go on a single day without hearing from her. I know it appears to be some kind of a dependency of a certain level, and it may show some good or bad signs. But that's just how I honestly feel. It's just feels incomplete now not knowing at least one event of her day, any day.

I had this grueling self question for weeks already - am I truly good enough for her? The common almost-retorts to this if you're looking at it from the outside perspective is "of course you are" or "why would you ask yourself that question?". But truly, as how I have learned quite some things along the way is the phrase "good enough" isn't linear. It's not "measured" or "gauged" by a singular dimension. It's not even measurable, obviously. It's more like for whatever "package" I offer seeing from her perspective, the question would be "is it going to work with and/or for her?" or more accurately "would she want to invest her whole self with me?". The answers wouldn't always be found overnight, or in a span of few years. In short, it's not entirely time-bound. But yeah, I have yet to know if I am TRULY good enough for her. If yes, I will be the happiest guy in the world (but reality check - in this current timeline). If not, I would wholly accept that.

We're gonna see each other five months from now, and as much as how exciting would be if what happened in my dream last night will happen, I'm gonna dismiss it. Just because right now we don't have that spark. We don't have the same spark we had last October 15th. I have been trying to maintain the same level of anticipation and excitement for it, and all along with that, just simply fostering the feeling and not losing we shared so good the best way that I can. I am honestly having doubts if we really are in the same page, even more now that we don't really talk about it at all. She is more like "just go with the flow, and let's see where this leads us". Well, I feel quite the same too in a way (add to the fact that I can't really say what we should be doing, and I'm not really the type of a controlling guy), but I'm more willing to row the boat, steer the wheel or whatever works. If there's someone who is willing to set things straight, that's going to be at least me. At least, I do have much of her attention (she said that at the least).

More of this in the next entry.

A different February

Need to catch up and do an update in here. It's not because I'm running out of stuff to type in here (not gonna happen in the immediate future, I assure you that), but I've been relatively busier in the first week of the year, plus that I have been finding the perfect mood to blog (this one is very mandatory in EVERY ENTRY).

Now, it's like we're settling down to "what it should be". I mean our communication frequency. But up to how "extensive" this settling down would be?

Well, obviously the culprit so far is her work. She literally has no rest day since the Christmas week. Even on New Year's day she had to work. And this will go on until next week, then after that she has to make preparations for Chinese New Year. So pretty much I'll be on the sidelines for the next 4-5 weeks.

This just simply makes what's her mind unknown to me, except for those of her everyday stuff most probably. I've slowly adjusted so far in this kind of setup - I haven't really bugged her a lot (a concrete and solid reason why I need to back off a bit, like how I mentioned in the previous entries). The everyday stuff is still there, but they aren't just like before. They aren't that eye catching nor heart stopping like before. But I'm still thankful that I still hear from her. And I'm not really acting some kind of a clingy guy. So I think it's all good.

The other night, unexpectedly, she invited me to talk on the phone. Unexpected, because it was quite late, she just came home from work, she could have had a rough day, and she had to work the next day. To top all of that, it was a Saturday and she had to work also on Sunday. But still she invited me for a talk. The first we had for this year, and it was a nice talk. Missed her voice. Even more as the last time we talked was weeks ago. Here's how frequent we had talked recently.



A far cry from how frequent we talked in November, up to the first week of December. I even got missed calls.







I don't mean to whine nor complain, but I cannot deny that I really miss what we had two months ago. I know it's kinda wild and crazy trying to get a hold of her every moment possible. But yeah, I'm thankful having this opportunity compartmentalizing showing her how I feel these days and how I truly feel deep inside at this stage of whatever we have right now. These moments that I miss how she made me feel two months back - I can cherish these and may serve more like a "springboard" once we meet in several months.

But now, I'm pretty okay with our current setup, compared to almost turning to an emotional tragedy last month. From time to time she still calls me out still, it's just that she has been dreadfully busy with work. I don't honestly know what the future holds for us (well, who does?), but at this point, almost three months since I left their place, I still feel exactly the same for her, and looking forward for the next months until our next meeting carrying the same feelings for her (we'll see how it goes, if I still feel the same).

But for now, my next stop would be 6-8 weeks from now. The weeks after Chinese New Year. Before, I was looking forward for February for a different reason - my then-would-be trip to see her again. That then-would-be Valentine's Day date with her. But all that are cancelled because of some reason (not relevant to this blog). But now it turns out I'm looking forward for her not to be busy anymore (even just for that time only).

I promise for a more cerebral approach to the whole thing in the next entry, for a change.

More epic nights

I had five days straight of epic nights in celebrating the end of 2013 and the new year 2014 coming in. But they are not merely close as I could have really enjoyed it. Yes, I honestly enjoyed being with my friends (and most of them I haven't seen for years) on those days.

But it's different missing her and hoping to be with her on these nights.

Nights out drinking with friends with some I haven't seen for quite some time.

That crazy road trip we did and like a "race", trying to catch the year end countdown. And getting to the venue like a few minutes before midnight and actually being part of that countdown.

That another road trip starting the year way down south.

I hoped to share all of these nights with her. Having those nights along the way, I would just imagine her being with me, sharing those nights with me.

While on the turn of the new year, I reflect upon the past year, as this year actually marks the biggest turn of my relationship with her, obviously.

I started my 2013 not really expecting how it was going to end. And the way it ended? I never thought something like what would happen. We were just friends. Normal ones. We live quite far from each other and we didn't really talk that much. We just share stories very occasionally. And nothing would seem to be "dubious" since we started being friends almost five years ago, and even when we first met four years ago. There were no clues of what would take place afterwards. There were no clues of what we would be sharing years after. There were absolutely no clues how I would be feeling for her at this point.

Then we had that one magical night, and something what I would call and always remember as "the most sincere kiss I have ever given to someone" with her of no contest with that at that very moment. Then everything and a lot of stuff about myself just made their own turns and made their own ways in manners I never expected to happen.

It's just so amazing that seeing her before felt just normal, then now, she suddenly means a lot to me now. I know I get to see her photos before, but now whenever I see her face in the pictures, or just even reading her name, it just makes me feel simply giddy. You know, that butterflies in my tummy thing. It's just so crazy that before I see her as a friend, and now I see her as more than that, and we sort of shared that feeling (in past tense because I'm not sure if she STILL feels the same as before). It's just astonishing that before I was pretty okay talking to her occasionally, and now I can't seem to stand a day not talking to her, and now I just want to be with her. The only rational explanation that I can think of is maybe after all I had hidden feelings for her which I just did not notice, and everything just sprouted out on that night. As for her, maybe just the same but I don't really know.

I've fallen for her, really hard. And sometimes, I think about what if I hadn't found out how I truly felt for her in that timeline. I wouldn't want to think I would feel this way for another girl because I just couldn't imagine it for now. It's like I'm meant to have this feeling for her, no matter what the outcome would be. Like I already mentioned, it's been a long time since I have fostered this very strong feeling for someone, and this time it's her.

And having this very amazing feeling for her, I would really want to know how far we can really go. How far can we really do it. How far can we make it work and happen. I honestly already have plans, this year. And a part of it she already knows. Just waiting for it to be in motion. And I really hope I can make a move really soon. I'm so tired waiting and just looking at the horizon. I want to catch that horizon, and this is the perfect time, with the perfect reason.

On the fourth night of those epic nights, she sent me a very night new year message. Just a short one, but a nice one. I sent her on myself at midnight. It goes something like thanking her for a great 2013, more specifically in the last three months of the year, then wishing her happiness and love this year 2014, looking forward in seeing her in a few months, and I told her I'm missing her. I didn't get any response from that, even the next day, as these days she has just simply not really receptive to me than before. It's kind of saddening, but hey, that's the way it goes. I have to accept that and be patient about it.

So yeah, this is the new year and I am calling out this year 2014 to be my year. I'm gonna make things happen, and I am calling her out to be part of it. A BIG part of it. I will surely have more epic nights to come, but I wish she will be with me in those nights.