For prologue of entries, this may be one of the weirdest ones (and not to mention, out of line).
I dreamed of her last night. She fetched me in the airport. Moments later, we were making out.
Now, that's not yet the clincher. The clincher is I told her about it. Casually. Her reaction wasn't really good. What was I thinking? Or, was I thinking at all?
But anyway, it's all good now.
So, I promised a more cerebral approach to all of this. So, I'm going to try my best in here.
Tomorrow marks three months (of pretty much explain in here numerous times already). And the whole mechanism of it is I really fell for her quite hard, and you know, seeing the two part of how this is moving - (1) how I show it to her, and (2) how I truly feel for her. There is a significant difference how these two parts are compared from last November. I was tending to show her exactly how I feel for her. Now, I feel just as the same, but I have taken showing her stuff a notch down, or two. As from how I observe things the past weeks, this I'm not sure if this is a necessary adjustment or more like a instinctive reaction, or a mix of both.
The everyday things which are still there that I described earlier - yeah, we do sent each other messages on our own accords quite equally. And, most of it, I honestly feel that they are not forced. I still do feel that I don't think I couldn't go on a single day without hearing from her. I know it appears to be some kind of a dependency of a certain level, and it may show some good or bad signs. But that's just how I honestly feel. It's just feels incomplete now not knowing at least one event of her day, any day.
I had this grueling self question for weeks already - am I truly good enough for her? The common almost-retorts to this if you're looking at it from the outside perspective is "of course you are" or "why would you ask yourself that question?". But truly, as how I have learned quite some things along the way is the phrase "good enough" isn't linear. It's not "measured" or "gauged" by a singular dimension. It's not even measurable, obviously. It's more like for whatever "package" I offer seeing from her perspective, the question would be "is it going to work with and/or for her?" or more accurately "would she want to invest her whole self with me?". The answers wouldn't always be found overnight, or in a span of few years. In short, it's not entirely time-bound. But yeah, I have yet to know if I am TRULY good enough for her. If yes, I will be the happiest guy in the world (but reality check - in this current timeline). If not, I would wholly accept that.
We're gonna see each other five months from now, and as much as how exciting would be if what happened in my dream last night will happen, I'm gonna dismiss it. Just because right now we don't have that spark. We don't have the same spark we had last October 15th. I have been trying to maintain the same level of anticipation and excitement for it, and all along with that, just simply fostering the feeling and not losing we shared so good the best way that I can. I am honestly having doubts if we really are in the same page, even more now that we don't really talk about it at all. She is more like "just go with the flow, and let's see where this leads us". Well, I feel quite the same too in a way (add to the fact that I can't really say what we should be doing, and I'm not really the type of a controlling guy), but I'm more willing to row the boat, steer the wheel or whatever works. If there's someone who is willing to set things straight, that's going to be at least me. At least, I do have much of her attention (she said that at the least).
More of this in the next entry.
No comments:
Post a Comment