Quietly remains the same

Post Valentine's Day. Earlier today I posted this in my Facebook:

Post Valentine's Day 2014 reflection:

It has been four months and...

[insert long, heartfelt and meaningful reflection here]

But still, my heart quietly remains the same.

I was on the road when I posted this but I didn't include '<>' just for the sake of saying the last line quickly. There really is a long, heartfelt and meaning reflection. And I'm going to try to spell them out here now.

Valentine's night, I had a gig. A solo gig. Fourth time doing solo, second time in this particular venue. I was with a few friends, and basically was serenading those with their Valentine's dates. I sucked that night. I wasn't nearly as good as the previous time I sang in that place, which was just last week.

That night wasn't particularly a disaster. Well, driving that stretch of 20 kilometers for more than two hours wasn't really pleasant, and it took a toll on me physically. Could have been a factor why I sucked that night.

But I still can't get past the thought that I could have been there. Right there where she is. I still can't get past the thought last night could have been some kind of a culmination of where would be really headed. I honestly thought (and actually, still think) that Valentine's Day has been a no biggie for me, but this time she gave me that different meaning or purpose for it just for this year. Just for this time. For weeks, WE had been anticipating that very day to come but I'm not so sure if we both or I alone had worse luck.

I sang the song that I wrote for her. The theme of this whole story. Steal A Day With You. At that moment standing in front of that small crowd, sharing to them how I have been feeling. You know, due to some circumstances of being physically distant from each other. That I just want to spend my time with her, hoping just to steal a day just to be with her. It was my third song in my set list. And I sang it the worst ever I did.

I told her that I sucked that night. I told her I hurt my throat halfway the set. But I didn't tell her I was missing her badly that very moment. I just couldn't tell her that as it may sound out of line and it would make me feel that it seemed like a crime again.

It's quite a small chain of frustrations, and that one is on the end part.

She just seems like hot and cold these days. Some days she is warm to me, some she is quite ice cold. But definitely the sweet girl she was to me a few months ago is not there. Pretty much the same. It's just hard for me to grasp that something she told me that I have her attention, that I was "the one", whatever she meant by that (as she has this knack saying something which actually meant different from my own interpretation).

Well, at times I do reflect that things could have been easier for me if she was never sweet to me to begin with. But she was. It makes me miss her not just physically, but everything that she is. She gave me that feeling and now I am missing it and I have little to no clue at all why.

She shared me this story before my gig. On the other end of it, she told me that she has this issue trusting guys. That some guys did hits and runs on her, I'm not sure up to what extent. That her instincts fail on her, and that one too I'm not sure what she meant.

Is that a reason why the change? I mean I can't blame her for her trust issues if those stories which paved her way for those issues are really that hurtful, but would it be polite if she told me that those changes in her towards me are because of those trust issues? What happened to that no hiding thingie? I'm definitely not putting myself in some pedestal, having some confidence in myself that I can tell her she can fully trust me, but telling me would work very well for me.

I'm going to be honest about this. Yeah, we don't have an official relationship besides being friends. But we pretty much know we feel special for each other. But if before, in that one whole month of November, it was very easy and natural for me to make her feel special every single day, now it seems that she isn't allowing me to. She wants to be on the low profile, but it feels further than that. It seems that I am being shut out. And only those limited moments where she is quite warm to me are the ones saving it. Something that I posted in Facebook last month...

"Girls, if your guy constantly puts in the effort to make you feel special every day and the moment you take this for granted (or at least you make him feel that way), you lose your right to complain when he does the same to someone else soon enough."

Right now, there's no one else. Four months since that day. And I don't know what will happen in the next months down the road. My heart quietly remains the same.

Loving from a distance

I could be flying to her place this coming Saturday. More than a month ago, I had been anticipating this day coming and nobody can really actually feel the magnitude of excitement I was feeling. I was already imagining what was going to take place for this coming weekend. And I knew, she was equally excited as well.

But no. The worst word that I can put to it is it's going to be postponed. For the next few months.

But is it just that postponed? Is that really it?

She was quite open on how she exactly felt on a lot of things, and pretty much I knew everything about it.

But now, she is just seem so guarded. All of a sudden. And I have honestly been struggling within myself how should I be acting. I miss her, I miss our talks. I miss how we talked before, and how I wish she would say "suddenly I miss your hug" again. How I wish she would make me feel that she is cherishing whatever we have right now (at least what we were since the last time we were together). I may seem not showing her stuff these days, whether this is like my instinctive reaction on how she is to me now, or if I am unaware that she has her own reactions from me as well. But definitely deep in me, I miss her. Deep in me, I still feel the same since four months ago. I could had have this most memorable Valentine's date in less than two weeks from now, but it's all nothing now, and the "scheduled" day we will be meeting again won't be as within the same vicinity as what I have anticipated.

The replays in my mind have been reeling on and on for days and weeks. What I feel for her is really special. I have never really felt this way for a long time, that I want to fight for this. I already materialized refusing living half hearted, half meant, because I want to be truly happy. And I feel that happiness with her. Still I have been fostering those same feelings and I don't really feel that it's a chore.

Low profile. That's what she wants. Whatever she meant by that, up to whatever extent, she didn't bother explaining, assuming that it's already self explanatory.

She may still want to have her options open, which is pretty reasonable of course. That also I told her in our second goodbye that I won't allow pursuing a romantic relationship with her while I am away. And if true love in someone else's form manages to come to her, I told her to let me know. I want to know what's going to happen to her from that day on. And on the other hand, if I find someone else, I would do the same as well. I will tell her.

But I would really hope right now, whatever is happening right now, that she would tell me things that I will need to know. I am really holding on to what she said - a big NO HIDING. Because I may dubiously feel that she may be hiding some things that I may need to know, but what can I do? Nothing, really. I'll just have to patiently wait and just see what happens while I do my own thing and trying my best to keep the flame (or whatever you want to call it) alive and burning.

As for myself, I don't really have anything equally important to tell her, aside from my everyday life in here (which she once referred as exciting, so as she feels that I can do pretty much anything that I want to do). I told her recently that one of my friends set me up for a blind date this Valentine's day, in recognition of my hidden but obvious frustration of missing that once in a lifetime would-be-very-memorable Valentine's day in her place, with no one else but her.

Sometimes, I ask myself for this theory - did she really expect that I would still feel the same after coming back home four months ago? Or was she thinking at some point we would just be going back to our old selves? As for myself, I really couldn't tell in the first few weeks. But what I had been feeling, together with what have transpired since then, whatever it is that's within me, it has been growing. Maybe blindly, but yeah it has been growing. Maybe that's the real mechanism of "loving from a distance" (but I am not making any conclusive notions that I already love her nor I am already in love with her, as it's not really that important at this point).

I want to pursue her, and I wish I am not going to be delayed further because really, if I had better control of things within reach, I'd already be quite physically close to her, even months or years before I started falling for her. But now, the recent events have really reinforced wanting to be with her, genuinely. I may wish for an easier road leading to her, but right now at this setup and what I'm seeing (and not seeing) ahead, I wouldn't want it in any other way. If I really set my eyes on her and work hard for it (and of course, a risk of getting heart broken), that's the road that I want to take.

But now, I just have to rely on technology and wish for the best.