Post Valentine's Day 2014 reflection:
It has been four months and...
[insert long, heartfelt and meaningful reflection here]
But still, my heart quietly remains the same.
I was on the road when I posted this but I didn't include '<
Valentine's night, I had a gig. A solo gig. Fourth time doing solo, second time in this particular venue. I was with a few friends, and basically was serenading those with their Valentine's dates. I sucked that night. I wasn't nearly as good as the previous time I sang in that place, which was just last week.
That night wasn't particularly a disaster. Well, driving that stretch of 20 kilometers for more than two hours wasn't really pleasant, and it took a toll on me physically. Could have been a factor why I sucked that night.
But I still can't get past the thought that I could have been there. Right there where she is. I still can't get past the thought last night could have been some kind of a culmination of where would be really headed. I honestly thought (and actually, still think) that Valentine's Day has been a no biggie for me, but this time she gave me that different meaning or purpose for it just for this year. Just for this time. For weeks, WE had been anticipating that very day to come but I'm not so sure if we both or I alone had worse luck.
I sang the song that I wrote for her. The theme of this whole story. Steal A Day With You. At that moment standing in front of that small crowd, sharing to them how I have been feeling. You know, due to some circumstances of being physically distant from each other. That I just want to spend my time with her, hoping just to steal a day just to be with her. It was my third song in my set list. And I sang it the worst ever I did.
I told her that I sucked that night. I told her I hurt my throat halfway the set. But I didn't tell her I was missing her badly that very moment. I just couldn't tell her that as it may sound out of line and it would make me feel that it seemed like a crime again.
It's quite a small chain of frustrations, and that one is on the end part.
She just seems like hot and cold these days. Some days she is warm to me, some she is quite ice cold. But definitely the sweet girl she was to me a few months ago is not there. Pretty much the same. It's just hard for me to grasp that something she told me that I have her attention, that I was "the one", whatever she meant by that (as she has this knack saying something which actually meant different from my own interpretation).
Well, at times I do reflect that things could have been easier for me if she was never sweet to me to begin with. But she was. It makes me miss her not just physically, but everything that she is. She gave me that feeling and now I am missing it and I have little to no clue at all why.
She shared me this story before my gig. On the other end of it, she told me that she has this issue trusting guys. That some guys did hits and runs on her, I'm not sure up to what extent. That her instincts fail on her, and that one too I'm not sure what she meant.
Is that a reason why the change? I mean I can't blame her for her trust issues if those stories which paved her way for those issues are really that hurtful, but would it be polite if she told me that those changes in her towards me are because of those trust issues? What happened to that no hiding thingie? I'm definitely not putting myself in some pedestal, having some confidence in myself that I can tell her she can fully trust me, but telling me would work very well for me.
I'm going to be honest about this. Yeah, we don't have an official relationship besides being friends. But we pretty much know we feel special for each other. But if before, in that one whole month of November, it was very easy and natural for me to make her feel special every single day, now it seems that she isn't allowing me to. She wants to be on the low profile, but it feels further than that. It seems that I am being shut out. And only those limited moments where she is quite warm to me are the ones saving it. Something that I posted in Facebook last month...
"Girls, if your guy constantly puts in the effort to make you feel special every day and the moment you take this for granted (or at least you make him feel that way), you lose your right to complain when he does the same to someone else soon enough."
Right now, there's no one else. Four months since that day. And I don't know what will happen in the next months down the road. My heart quietly remains the same.
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