Feeling half drunk

I am starting to type this, feeling half drunk.

She is my topmost priority for my next visit. If things change the way that doesn't go the way of my most little expectations, I may actually not push through going there. Three more months down the road.

It's quite obvious that this particular guy caught her attention. She said she is still trying to see if he is really sincere or not, as she is still having issues trusting guys.

But this is making her go crazy. Crazy enough to make her lose sleep.

So what now? That makes me what now?

I know we had an accord that we should tell each other if one of us finds someone. And I'm still staying true to it. But, at this point, I didn't expect this to be coming a bit too heavy on me. We had an accord at the time not much had happened between us.

But between that time and now, she really grew on me. I really fell for her that hard. So hard that I really want to pursue her.

But now, I am helpless.

Honestly, it could have been way a lot easier if she wasn't sweet to me for those six weeks. If she didn't give me that feeling. For so long I have been holding on to that feeling she gave me. I would replay in my head all that short time the last time I was with her, and I would dream of her from time to time. And it used to help a lot if we reminisce those times, if we talked about how we exactly felt at those times. Everything was out in the open. And I go on and on telling a lot of things about how she made me feel. She had me thinking about her all the time.

Until now. No matter how things went. Even now most of the time she HAS BEEN making me feel she has lost the same feelings.

And all of these I am sure she is not aware.

At one point, she told me once something like "let's see up to where this will take us." I would like to know. As I would be blinded wholly by how I strongly feel for her, but the lyrics she posted seems fit for us - "It was more than worth it but not too sensible...". But I don't care even if I see that way now, I would like to know how far can we go, or maybe a better fit "could we have gone".

That's the big part of her being my topmost priority. Hoping to pick up where we left off a few months ago.

If she isn't entirely the same girl, if she indeed really lost that same feelings, why the hell should I bother going there again? Why the hell should I bother visiting for my other priorities?

Yep, I would be wasting my airfare money that way. But better that than wasting even more money while feeling fuckin' sorry for myself.

The changes in her were the most bothersome. As I said, if she wasn't really sweet to me before, it could have been easier. But no, she was definitely sweet. And the changes in her really bothered me. We started talking less, she wasn't the usual sweet girl to me. Her messages to me were starting to be less frequent. She never complained not talking too much anymore. She wanted a low profile, but it appeared to be more than that. She would say sorry for the changes, but nothing really she would do about it. At first I was thinking it was because of work, but after the months grew, it's just different. She feels different. And she is not telling me anything why. I am somewhat left in the dark, and all the while I have been always passionate on wanting to let her know how I feel for her.

And what really sucks the most. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, even if it feels incriminating or not, it wouldn't really help at all BECAUSE NOBODY OWES THE OTHER PERSON ANYTHING. In particular, SHE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING. So that kinda makes me really helpless. I can't do anything at all.

No matter how I think back that I got much of her attention, now some other guy has her attention. And her sleeping time.

At one point, she told me at least a few times that she would be patiently waiting for me. Now I don't feel so.

We may not be too sensible, but if ever this would end in a not so good way, I am very sure it will take a very long time to have that same feeling again. That feeling that she gave me. It is simply irreplaceable.

We may not be too sensible, as I may have foreseen I may have a tendency to hurt, but with her I think it will just end up her hurting me. But I would like to find that out myself. Because I want to be with her, even if it may hurt me.

I love her. That much.