In times of our loneliness, we often find ourselves looking for love in the obvious form of another person, wondering where he/she is gonna come from and where he/she is right now, not even realizing someone else is already capable of giving it to you.
Well, that's how some things go. It's just the way it is. We often look for someone who we secretly want and simply overlook those few people who secretly want or love you.
I wonder if she still feels the same. I really don't know.
Just recently, I had to change phones. And I came across our old logs from our WeChat conversations. It's just so astonishing how someone could have been so sweet (in all those hard evidence) and just make such a hundred eighty degree twist, leaving me partly wondering why. Yeah, we could be senseless, but I would appreciate it more if she said it to me directly rather than going cryptic through a few lines of lyrics.
Reading those logs and listening to her audio recordings, it's as if I almost forgot we had those memories. They are very special, and I am very thankful to today's technology that I am able to keep them just as the same quality like we had them at that time. We really had it going those times, and all those very nice and sweet nothings just kept on pouring.
But she just had to turn it around. Then asked for being on a low profile. Then now I feel she has been distant, on purpose.
Yeah, at some point a few months back, she kinda "assured" me that she still feels/felt the same way as before. But looking at what's been happening and not happening recently, I am quite convinced that she isn't feeling the same anymore.
And, I am not stern enough to ask her straight. I'm just not in a good position to do it.
She has no idea what kind of feeling she has given me. I hope I can just escape this very easily. But no, I just often find myself looking at her pictures. I often find myself simply thinking about her. On extended times of the day. It's hard to explain on flat words but this kind of feeling that I have for her, I don't think I will have that same feeling again for another girl for a long time.
For my next visit, I would risk myself out there for her. At least to have the same feeling that we shared the last time we were together, even just for a short time. Even for just that ten days. Even if I know to myself this won't work out (maybe a little chance by a long shot, but I don't know). It would be so nice to have that chance to have that same feeling again, right being with her with that same warmth.
But if by then, she would already found someone else, I'm definitely gonna cancel my trip. I'll leave her be. I'll let her go. That's how much I'm in love with her.
Yesterday, it's the first time since the day we were together, that we totally didn't have any form of communication the whole day. First time we missed a beat. After a few times that happened recently that she left me messages around 11 in the evening, it didn't happen last night. Guess we were both awfully busy (at least I myself was hella busy the whole day).
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And tonight we finally hear some news about #MH370. Rest in peace to all 239 souls in that flight, and I send my deepest condolences to their families and friends.
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