Became so insanely beautiful in my eyes

I promise, this will just be a very short entry but a very direct one.

It's just so crazy how someone who was just a normal friend to me some years back, who just looked normal to me all those times became so insanely beautiful in my eyes in just a blink of an eye. Just because of that single day.



And I'm still feeling the same for the past few months. I don't think this will just die down soon.

I don't have any explanations for that turnaround. Not that I need it.

First time missing a beat

In times of our loneliness, we often find ourselves looking for love in the obvious form of another person, wondering where he/she is gonna come from and where he/she is right now, not even realizing someone else is already capable of giving it to you.

Well, that's how some things go. It's just the way it is. We often look for someone who we secretly want and simply overlook those few people who secretly want or love you.

I wonder if she still feels the same. I really don't know.

Just recently, I had to change phones. And I came across our old logs from our WeChat conversations. It's just so astonishing how someone could have been so sweet (in all those hard evidence) and just make such a hundred eighty degree twist, leaving me partly wondering why. Yeah, we could be senseless, but I would appreciate it more if she said it to me directly rather than going cryptic through a few lines of lyrics.

Reading those logs and listening to her audio recordings, it's as if I almost forgot we had those memories. They are very special, and I am very thankful to today's technology that I am able to keep them just as the same quality like we had them at that time. We really had it going those times, and all those very nice and sweet nothings just kept on pouring.

But she just had to turn it around. Then asked for being on a low profile. Then now I feel she has been distant, on purpose.

Yeah, at some point a few months back, she kinda "assured" me that she still feels/felt the same way as before. But looking at what's been happening and not happening recently, I am quite convinced that she isn't feeling the same anymore.

And, I am not stern enough to ask her straight. I'm just not in a good position to do it.

She has no idea what kind of feeling she has given me. I hope I can just escape this very easily. But no, I just often find myself looking at her pictures. I often find myself simply thinking about her. On extended times of the day. It's hard to explain on flat words but this kind of feeling that I have for her, I don't think I will have that same feeling again for another girl for a long time.

For my next visit, I would risk myself out there for her. At least to have the same feeling that we shared the last time we were together, even just for a short time. Even for just that ten days. Even if I know to myself this won't work out (maybe a little chance by a long shot, but I don't know). It would be so nice to have that chance to have that same feeling again, right being with her with that same warmth.

But if by then, she would already found someone else, I'm definitely gonna cancel my trip. I'll leave her be. I'll let her go. That's how much I'm in love with her.

Yesterday, it's the first time since the day we were together, that we totally didn't have any form of communication the whole day. First time we missed a beat. After a few times that happened recently that she left me messages around 11 in the evening, it didn't happen last night. Guess we were both awfully busy (at least I myself was hella busy the whole day).

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And tonight we finally hear some news about #MH370. Rest in peace to all 239 souls in that flight, and I send my deepest condolences to their families and friends.

Feeling half drunk

I am starting to type this, feeling half drunk.

She is my topmost priority for my next visit. If things change the way that doesn't go the way of my most little expectations, I may actually not push through going there. Three more months down the road.

It's quite obvious that this particular guy caught her attention. She said she is still trying to see if he is really sincere or not, as she is still having issues trusting guys.

But this is making her go crazy. Crazy enough to make her lose sleep.

So what now? That makes me what now?

I know we had an accord that we should tell each other if one of us finds someone. And I'm still staying true to it. But, at this point, I didn't expect this to be coming a bit too heavy on me. We had an accord at the time not much had happened between us.

But between that time and now, she really grew on me. I really fell for her that hard. So hard that I really want to pursue her.

But now, I am helpless.

Honestly, it could have been way a lot easier if she wasn't sweet to me for those six weeks. If she didn't give me that feeling. For so long I have been holding on to that feeling she gave me. I would replay in my head all that short time the last time I was with her, and I would dream of her from time to time. And it used to help a lot if we reminisce those times, if we talked about how we exactly felt at those times. Everything was out in the open. And I go on and on telling a lot of things about how she made me feel. She had me thinking about her all the time.

Until now. No matter how things went. Even now most of the time she HAS BEEN making me feel she has lost the same feelings.

And all of these I am sure she is not aware.

At one point, she told me once something like "let's see up to where this will take us." I would like to know. As I would be blinded wholly by how I strongly feel for her, but the lyrics she posted seems fit for us - "It was more than worth it but not too sensible...". But I don't care even if I see that way now, I would like to know how far can we go, or maybe a better fit "could we have gone".

That's the big part of her being my topmost priority. Hoping to pick up where we left off a few months ago.

If she isn't entirely the same girl, if she indeed really lost that same feelings, why the hell should I bother going there again? Why the hell should I bother visiting for my other priorities?

Yep, I would be wasting my airfare money that way. But better that than wasting even more money while feeling fuckin' sorry for myself.

The changes in her were the most bothersome. As I said, if she wasn't really sweet to me before, it could have been easier. But no, she was definitely sweet. And the changes in her really bothered me. We started talking less, she wasn't the usual sweet girl to me. Her messages to me were starting to be less frequent. She never complained not talking too much anymore. She wanted a low profile, but it appeared to be more than that. She would say sorry for the changes, but nothing really she would do about it. At first I was thinking it was because of work, but after the months grew, it's just different. She feels different. And she is not telling me anything why. I am somewhat left in the dark, and all the while I have been always passionate on wanting to let her know how I feel for her.

And what really sucks the most. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, even if it feels incriminating or not, it wouldn't really help at all BECAUSE NOBODY OWES THE OTHER PERSON ANYTHING. In particular, SHE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING. So that kinda makes me really helpless. I can't do anything at all.

No matter how I think back that I got much of her attention, now some other guy has her attention. And her sleeping time.

At one point, she told me at least a few times that she would be patiently waiting for me. Now I don't feel so.

We may not be too sensible, but if ever this would end in a not so good way, I am very sure it will take a very long time to have that same feeling again. That feeling that she gave me. It is simply irreplaceable.

We may not be too sensible, as I may have foreseen I may have a tendency to hurt, but with her I think it will just end up her hurting me. But I would like to find that out myself. Because I want to be with her, even if it may hurt me.

I love her. That much.