Loving from a distance

I could be flying to her place this coming Saturday. More than a month ago, I had been anticipating this day coming and nobody can really actually feel the magnitude of excitement I was feeling. I was already imagining what was going to take place for this coming weekend. And I knew, she was equally excited as well.

But no. The worst word that I can put to it is it's going to be postponed. For the next few months.

But is it just that postponed? Is that really it?

She was quite open on how she exactly felt on a lot of things, and pretty much I knew everything about it.

But now, she is just seem so guarded. All of a sudden. And I have honestly been struggling within myself how should I be acting. I miss her, I miss our talks. I miss how we talked before, and how I wish she would say "suddenly I miss your hug" again. How I wish she would make me feel that she is cherishing whatever we have right now (at least what we were since the last time we were together). I may seem not showing her stuff these days, whether this is like my instinctive reaction on how she is to me now, or if I am unaware that she has her own reactions from me as well. But definitely deep in me, I miss her. Deep in me, I still feel the same since four months ago. I could had have this most memorable Valentine's date in less than two weeks from now, but it's all nothing now, and the "scheduled" day we will be meeting again won't be as within the same vicinity as what I have anticipated.

The replays in my mind have been reeling on and on for days and weeks. What I feel for her is really special. I have never really felt this way for a long time, that I want to fight for this. I already materialized refusing living half hearted, half meant, because I want to be truly happy. And I feel that happiness with her. Still I have been fostering those same feelings and I don't really feel that it's a chore.

Low profile. That's what she wants. Whatever she meant by that, up to whatever extent, she didn't bother explaining, assuming that it's already self explanatory.

She may still want to have her options open, which is pretty reasonable of course. That also I told her in our second goodbye that I won't allow pursuing a romantic relationship with her while I am away. And if true love in someone else's form manages to come to her, I told her to let me know. I want to know what's going to happen to her from that day on. And on the other hand, if I find someone else, I would do the same as well. I will tell her.

But I would really hope right now, whatever is happening right now, that she would tell me things that I will need to know. I am really holding on to what she said - a big NO HIDING. Because I may dubiously feel that she may be hiding some things that I may need to know, but what can I do? Nothing, really. I'll just have to patiently wait and just see what happens while I do my own thing and trying my best to keep the flame (or whatever you want to call it) alive and burning.

As for myself, I don't really have anything equally important to tell her, aside from my everyday life in here (which she once referred as exciting, so as she feels that I can do pretty much anything that I want to do). I told her recently that one of my friends set me up for a blind date this Valentine's day, in recognition of my hidden but obvious frustration of missing that once in a lifetime would-be-very-memorable Valentine's day in her place, with no one else but her.

Sometimes, I ask myself for this theory - did she really expect that I would still feel the same after coming back home four months ago? Or was she thinking at some point we would just be going back to our old selves? As for myself, I really couldn't tell in the first few weeks. But what I had been feeling, together with what have transpired since then, whatever it is that's within me, it has been growing. Maybe blindly, but yeah it has been growing. Maybe that's the real mechanism of "loving from a distance" (but I am not making any conclusive notions that I already love her nor I am already in love with her, as it's not really that important at this point).

I want to pursue her, and I wish I am not going to be delayed further because really, if I had better control of things within reach, I'd already be quite physically close to her, even months or years before I started falling for her. But now, the recent events have really reinforced wanting to be with her, genuinely. I may wish for an easier road leading to her, but right now at this setup and what I'm seeing (and not seeing) ahead, I wouldn't want it in any other way. If I really set my eyes on her and work hard for it (and of course, a risk of getting heart broken), that's the road that I want to take.

But now, I just have to rely on technology and wish for the best.