And by the way, I'm a bit feeling relatively better now compared to the past few days. So I am quite more fit to approach this particular entry better than any other day. This is going to be one heck of a cerebral entry.
This entry is to decipher what happened last Sunday morning, and how did our conversation go.
As I woke up that morning, and saw two of her Facebook posts which seemed she was not doing ok (where I assume/d those posts have nothing to do with me). It seemed quite alarming for me, so I sent her a message in Whatsapp to check her out. Here how it went (corrected all those grammatical/typographical errors and txt types):
9:39 me : hey are you ok?
10:40 HER: morning
10:41 me : morning
10:41 me : are you ok?
10:43 HER: not really
10:43 HER: but i'll deal with it
10:43 me : what happened?
10:45 HER: things happened between me and the
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 HER: i need to talk to you as well
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now
10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings
10:52 me : ok. thanks for telling me.
10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that
10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:53 HER: i just can't go on
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list
10:54 me : ok
10:55 me : before i say something else, i want to let you know that my feelings for you never changed. it really surprised me.
10:55 HER: i do not know what future holds there for me. but i just need to move on.
10:55 me : but yea. this is so heartbreaking for me.
10:56 me : anyway, you won't hear from me again ever.
10:56 me : i will cancel my KL trip
10:56 HER: hey
10:56 me : i wish you happiness
10:56 me : thanks for everything
10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.
Then I blocked her out in Whatsapp after the last message (which maybe took me at least five minutes because I had to learn how to do it in a new phone with a new OS - which is a Windows phone), uninstalled my Viber. Placed Kitty and everything that came along with her in a box where I won't open for a long long time. Then finally deactivating my Facebook account.
But noticed I also included the timestamps. This will come along with the decode.
By these logs alone, I can tell two mutually exclusive hypotheses: either she wasn't ready to tell me the truth that time (that I caught her in a bad time, obviously because of the two Facebook posts prior to this conversation), or she never really cares if I only knew a part of the truth (which is now she is going out with a guy). Either way, she never bothered to tell the whole truth, and there are more than a single way to tell me after that conversation if she really cared.
10:45 HER: things happened between me and the
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now
Things happened between him and her. At first I thought they had this big fight and it was quite serious, as my impression to this is the
I thought she was gonna explain what are the things happened to her and the
10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list
So I asked. Directly. Nicely. No unnecessary words used.
Friends, whether you're in a professional or in a social line of conversation, it is just UTTERLY RUDE not to answer a nicely presented question with the object of answer you're being asked of, unless you are qualified not to answer what you're asked of.
I think my question is nicely presented. I think this qualifies for the object of answer that I asked.
I did not ask if this guy is in her fb list or not. I asked who the guy is. Big chance that I don't know him, but if this qualifies, this warrants that at least she describe him to me, how does she know him, or anything that's more concrete that "not being in my fb list" as anyone would accept as object of the answer in question.
I missed asking the question on since when they starting seeing each other. At how the conversation looks like at that point, it doesn't seem she would tell me on her own without being asked. I would touch on this part again as this entry progresses.
10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
Saying sorry is almost an always instinctive go-to word that people usually say when other people get hurt. I give her that. But "I don't mean this to happen"? If you're going to say something like this to someone you've hurt (because sometimes, like this one, it can't be avoided), make sure you back it up why you "don't mean this to happen". or at least show an effort of backing it up, even if it could be senseless (because it shows you actually care because you're trying to justify it, not say it just for the sake of un-antagonizing yourself with that one liner, while you wait for the response of the person you're talking to/hurting).
And this actually supports both of my hypotheses.
10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.
The first thing that should be noticed here are the timestamps. And this actually worsens what I just said previously. Between her two messages 10:56 and 11:06, ten minutes in between. Then another five minutes until my last message. And maybe around five minutes more before I blocked her out in Whatsapp. Twenty minutes, tops. I actually did this on purpose. She had twenty minutes tops. If she really wanted to explain everything that she needed to tell me, that was her window. But she didn't. Never bothered. Which brings me messages back...
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
Everything she told me, and everything that I see here, all those were just the things she felt/feels she only needed to tell me. I deliberately didn't ask much questions, invasive or not, as I was already gauging her at that point if she really cared for me, even at that point of hurting. And just to be fair about it, if within that twenty minutes, all those uncontrollable events or instances didn't favor her in telling me everything THAT I NEEDED TO KNOW (over the things she felt she needed to tell me), there has been so much time after that - between around 11:15am that morning until right this very moment. That's three and a half days. That's 108 hours. And she would only need maybe around five to ten minutes, several lines of messages, to tell me WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW. I had not only been reachable by Whatsapp, Viber or Facebook. There are other ways anyone can reach me.
Maybe I was right in my last message.
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.
At that moment, I could have blindly figured out she wouldn't even bother explaining the gray areas of our conversation after that. I guess I was right.
It is even all possible that if I didn't check her out that morning, she wouldn't even tell me that moment that she was already seeing someone. But of course, I wouldn't know now as it's gonna be a speculation for the longest time.
If you really care for the person that you know you're gonna hurt, it's better to tell that person everything that he/she needs to know. If you ain't got a clue what he/she needs to know, it means you don't care enough. That it's okay you with what you just said and let him/her hang with questions. And that's gonna take a toll on your integrity as a social person. No one should need a big reminder as this just to save yourself from such a shortcoming.
A few more tidbits within that conversation alone.
10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings
I know I have already mentioned this here a few times, but more than once she told me "I WILL PATIENTLY WAIT FOR YOU, NO MATTER WHAT." We were both so excited about my supposed to be February trip to her place, and got so bummed when it was cancelled. But that was just a supposedly added excitement to our story. My whole plan was to get a permanent work there so I get to be with her. My TRUE timeline was Q3-Q4 of this year. I have my contacts, people there have been calling me. She knows this. I was so ready to leave my life in here, sacrifice everything I needed to sacrifice, even getting ready to leave my own band (which has been in the middle of something of a really big good news). Everything, just to be with her. Just to make EVERYTHING CONCRETE. She isn't the only only thinking about SEEING THINGS THAT ARE CONCRETE. Everyday I had to dread of waiting for that very day. And I had been very focused on her every single day, just relying wholly on technology and hoping someday that I don't need to rely on it and just have her in my arms. Simple as that.
But with her, it seemed to her that everything that I have been dreaming of were just at a corner the whole time.
Well, this is where I had risked myself. There was always been a part of our story where if we ever find someone else along the way, we have to tell the other. That part was the risk. I guess I have been fervently hoping that we both don't find someone else, that she didn't find someone else because I know what I feel for her is seriously special. That I never felt this way for another person at this level before.
I guess I held on too much on what she told me.
10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that
Ironically, I didn't have to do a lot to maintain how I feel for her. Everything was just so effortless. Which is really special, just as to support what I just said previously.
----
So that's just about the conversation alone. There is more (but not too much more, I promise). Beyond the conversation. Aftermath, maybe?
I got partly confused why such the series of her Facebook posts before and after our last conversation.
After a few happy posts just after April Fools, which includes two paper arts, her expression of love (for someone, obviously), and feeling blessed for having Teddy, I thought that it was kind of odd (because she never posted about her expression of love). I thought less of it, but deep in me I wondered if she actually already found someone. So I waited if she was going to tell me, holding on to our agreement (which she herself has said) - "NO HIDING".
A few days after came Sunday morning when we had the last conversation. Her posts seemed to went upside down (correcting grammar/typo errors):
"Have I made a wrong direction? It's so hard for me to cope alone! — feeling depressed."
"Slept with the worst feeling ever! — feeling horrible."
These were what I saw that made me check on her. Then she posted almost right after our conversation:
"The worst ever month I have in my life... — feeling pained."
Well, after confirming that the earlier happy posts entails her having found someone (which also includes her expression of love), shouldn't she be happy about it? It had only been what? Two days around that time?
[No not really. I somehow found out that this has been going on for more than a week already. Last week of last month. Not gonna tell how I found out, but it's not too hard to see. If I am correct, so much for "NO HIDING".]
If all of these have something to do with me, well she would/will get over it the shortest time possible. It won't be long that she will be posting happy posts again. But by how our conversation went, I highly doubt these have something to do with me.
Which leaves us to - not having something to do with me. If this is true, I am clearly out of her storyline now.
Which makes me... the title of this blog. Just a Scribble Of Lines. She made her choice on her storyline. My life is just a Scribble Of Lines.
If this particular entry will make its way to her, if she herself reads this, I know she will get mad at me, as almost everything that I mentioned here are all based on assumptions. She may curse me, and hate me for the longest time.
But surprise surprise! Not telling everything and leaving gray areas out in the open just actually leaves a room for questions. No one actually wants to be left in the dark with open ended conversations.
I really don't need her explanations now (not that she will give it to me if she gets mad at me), but maybe it would be prudent if she knows how this amplified in such a proportion, that she may never leave open ended conversations and let doors for questioning and assumptions to the next person.
That NO ONE ELSE WILL DO THIS AGAIN.
I hope no one would be left questioning and trying to finish even but a grain of truth, especially in the matters of the heart. And as for the other side, I hope everyone cares for everyone we all care about. That we all make every effort to say everything we all need to know, even if YOU OWE NOTHING TO THEM. And also, we should all be careful of all seriousness and heartfelt things that we say to those we care for, and more importantly to those who care about you. These become engrained in our hearts that if we fail to make it through, we'll just hurt the other person. We may be forgivable, but at times not forgettable.
I hope we all do not need a big reminder as this to realize all these.
----
No.
You'll be on a pedestal.
I'll become the stranger.
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Thank you for the readers who have followed this blog (if I have readers). I'll be making my last and very final entry for this blog soon. I'll be all fair in that very final entry. And I'll be saying my proper goodbyes to my very special friend Kitty, and all the once great and fantastic things, feelings and events that came along with this whole story.
I read every word
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FF @owl
hey ff! this is the first comment i have received in this blog. thanks for reading and your encouraging msg! hope i will meet you soon.
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