I'm actually anticipating a long 12-hour work day today, but I'm starting it by continuing this story. I just don't wanna start working, and I am feeling the need to de-stress first.
I've actually written a lot of blogs / diaries through my whole life. I think I started this when I was half of my current age. And I have written about many things, much about matters of the heart. I've had various audiences, and so far I think they had mixed reactions. But the bottom line is, every time I write something, it helps me let out some parts of my inner self and helps me relax (even at times I did cry while doing stuff like this).
So where did we left off? Yep, all blurry walking away from her. That first goodbye. This will pretty much cover why this entry is entitled before the blog name. Scribble of lines.
As I entered my room, I exactly knew what it felt, but I didn't exactly know what to do. I basically was not ready, entirely not expecting for this to cap my whole six day trip. I was just crying when I should already be freshening up and anticipating going back home again. But no, that emotional baggage was too much for me to bring home as they were.
Then it brought me back to 2005 and 2010 all over again with S. I never really managed to tell her how I exactly felt for her all along and it just bottled up in me and kinda punished me the whole time. I was thinking - did I want that feeling again? Did I wanna pretend that I could just let this pass again? Or is T gonna be someone that would worth telling the feelings for, whatever the outcome would be?
Of course the big factor there is I have someone who I had a relationship with here back home. It's like a matter of lying to myself and staying within the accepted norm of our society just for me to avoid getting antagonized, or just let it out and tell T straightaway for the sake of not bottling the feelings and hoping for the best. Well, that's the only thing I was thinking of at that time, I didn't want anything grand. I just didn't want hiding feelings again.
She didn't do anything really special, or out of the ordinary. It just simply felt right being with her that night, and I think that does not warrant any explanations at all. And all of those happening at the same time in my head, I was also in awe that how in our four year friendship that I saw her differently only that time.
Hoping to make things easier but not wanting to hide the feelings again, I was wishing she did not feel the same. That it was only one way. Only me. So that it would be easier just to fade away and get back to my old life. But at that very moment, I still didn't know what to do.
I anticipated T getting home around that time, but she seem to came home quite later than expected (there's actually a valid reason why). I went to her something like this "Thanks for the date, I wish I made you feel 'loved' by a guy even just for one night, even though it wasn't real."
But deep in my heart, I definitely wanted it to be real.
It was 2AM, and I was hoping my good friend K was still awake. He is the one that I would trust on things like this. I sent him a message, and luckily he was still up. So within 10 minutes I told him everything, as fast as I could because I still wanted to catch T awake if I decide on something. Well, probably K was shocked hearing what I was saying.
So I made my decision. T was still up. I told her how I feel. I told her that maybe I actually had hidden and latent feelings for her which I did not really make notice. Hoping she would just dismiss what I was saying, but she said something like this.
"You left a heavy heart for me...I never had this feeling for so long...I just didn't know why I am sad when you left, I felt like crying..."
That was a heavy affirmation that I got, that it wasn't one way. She felt the same. And the next series of stuff she said really hit me in my heart.
"Your storyline can't change. Mine is just a scribble of lines..."
That was of course pertaining to my on going life here back home, that seemed pretty all set with my own girl here, that I am not able to change that. Pretty much the whole conversation with her was so heartfelt. I exclaimed that "I just had another best night of my life, and it was with you." I didn't say that lightly, and I know it must count to something really meaningful. Not all the time, even most of my high points of my life I would be able to admit it to myself and say out loud, but that time I really meant it. It was like if I had the chance to replay and relive that night, I would definitely choose it over the rest of my life.
At that point, I told her I wanted to see her again before I leave. It wasn't exactly an easy task because I had no idea how to get to her. She was going to work that holiday and her office isn't really easy to go to. So what the heck, I just tried to rest for a few hours and worry about everything when I wake up the next morning.
So probably I was going to try to sleep with the worst feeling ever. Catch what happens when I wake up after the break.
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