I think I slept around 4AM the previous night (or rather, that was almost morning), and planning to wake up at 10AM. But I was restless, thinking through all of the things that had happened, and maybe woke up around 8AM. Just rolling on the bed, thinking how am I going to see her. I had a few options, but I had to buy some gifts first for my folks back home (because that was the initial plan without all of these). I was supposed to do them all after lunch, but it seemed my mind was blocked out because of her.
Then I finally came a bit to my senses. 10AM, I immediately got up, only brushed my teeth and never bothered to change clothes. I was wearing a small sized shirt, then jogging pants. I even had my socks on and didn't take them off. And rushed to the nearest shopping mall. Bought some stuff for my friends back here at home. And bought T some chocolates IN CASE I already had a way to her (at that time I was still exploring my few options, and none confirmed so far). So I did all that within an hour, got back to my room and packed my stuff.
One option I was having is to get a cab to T's office. Little did I notice that I spent almost all of my money (of their currency) from buying stuff from the shopping mall. I only had a little more than RM50 (wow, that's the first time I think I said something really concrete, so pretty much you know where I was, where these people are from), and that may get me to her place by myself, but I don't think I would be able to get out of there easily. Besides, I would have a plane to catch that night and I didn't want to rush. But anyway, that's one less option for me.
By lunch time I met two of my friends from LYN. They noticed I was feeling blue, and they had a slight idea why. Anyhow, I asked them if they can drive me to T's office but they don't know how to get there. So there, another option thrown out the window.
S's mom wanted to see me before I leave the place, and she actually wanted to send me to the airport (at least S and her brother. So, I just took a shot and asked them if they can drive me to T's place. Lucky me, their house is just near the place and they agreed. My spirits started to go high that moment.
I really had no plan what to do or say when I see her. Maybe one last hug until the next meeting, which was of course uncertain. Maybe one last torture for our emotions before we push ourselves back in our own lives. Maybe one last memory of her face and her warmth before parting ways. I really didn't have any plans.
So there I was, in front of their office front gate. Standing awkwardly while S's mom and brother parked right a few feet away, waiting as well (mental note here that all of them three have met already way back in 2010 very briefly). Holding the chocolates with me, my mind was really blank.
Then, there she was walking. It was like the first time seeing her approaching me that it felt so much different. Like my heart skipping beats. Like a horde of butterflies in my tummy. Like Cupid hitting my chest with a baseball bat repeatedly instead of his usual mainstream bow and arrow. Like wanting to be with her, simple as that. Like pretty much how it's described below.
She actually posted this one in Facebook a few weeks after, as something that she described what she felt in the same moment.
We had a short talk, not the way that I want it to be. But I told her that I wanna know everything that will happen to her from that moment. If a guy who is geographically and physically nearer and basically in a better position that I was to her manages to find her, I would also want to know. I held her hand, and told her "we remain friends." I remember the look on her face at that moment, that sad and frowning look that just tore my heart apart. It hurt me so much looking at her like that.
I told her I wanted to kiss her that moment, no matter awkward or misplaced that very situation was, but didn't. I just let her know of the intention but didn't really do it. She said it would just complicate things. I handed her the chocolates in an attempt to make her feel better, and she handed me this orange colored makeshift envelope which obviously contained some stuff (the photo taken just now, this actually has some golden ribbon things, but I am keeping every single piece of them in the envelope)...
And it came with a nice post-it note along with it.
I was very happy to receive something like this from her, something tangible that is very connected to her.
Then we had to say goodbye. Again. The second goodbye. Seeing her walking away from me was just so painful. And I had to contain myself, not to show my companions there what was really going on. But definitely the pain was difficult to bear. I was starting to wonder how was I going to sleep at night with this kind of feeling. I didn't know exactly how to put this at ease, and I was going to know when I come home. That second goodbye seemed to be the real start of it.
Or was it? Was that it?
You people may have noticed that this is only my point of view. I am not putting much about what happened through her head all along (I know it too). But anyway, catch the next entry what happens right when we left the place.
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