I know I'm quite behind schedule. It has been another rough week for me (well not that really rough), but basically I was losing time to be in here. And I've got tons to say as of now. So here it goes.
Last week, I came across this article, entitled "What (Most) Women Want"...
http://thesinglewoman.net/2014/01/13/what-most-women-really-want/
Listed here are obvious and almost obvious things guys should very well take note when speaking of "putting the best foot forward" for the ladies, to promote appreciation, sincerity, conservatism, true and sheer love, and pretty much the rest of importance of what society is expected from us guys on how we should be treating the ladies (if trying to see all of these from the third person perspective). Don't get me wrong - I love these stuff. I would promote the same stuff. I love pampering the ladies, I would be 100% sincere to them. I would be conservative for them (or at least appear conservative). I would appreciate them wholly. It's not really hard to make me to all of these, but there's a 'but' after that (and I think this applies to most).
There are a good number of ladies have this as an "excuse" just to watch and sit out watching us do what we have to do while these ladies make a science out of it (which is of course unnecessary). The result? The ladies give out mixed signals. At times it's hard to spot the signs if they really want to be pursued or not. At times, when we guys give out compliments, though the latter may not be that mandatory, but the expressed gratitude just messes things up.
Then what happens next? Guys are kept hanging. Guys are seemingly becoming social experiments.
Now who wants that? Setting gender disparity aside, absolutely no one wants to be kept hanging. No one wants to a social experiment. Though there are some who loves that kind of adventure.
I'm not saying that I'm in that kind of situation right now because I am definitely not in that kind of situation. But if I would be in that situation again (I'm sure soon), I hope I wouldn't be kept hanging because I am sure I will not have the intention to do that. And if I would get turned down, I hope I get turned down in the best timing with the good reasons. I would definitely act out the best I could with the right signals.
But in what situation am I now with her?
Firstly, there are no more "I suddenly miss your hugs" or "we didn't talk much today" or "wanna talk?" or stealing pictures or having her sing and record Smile For Me. No more of those and a lot more stuff in the past few weeks.
She seems very guarded now compared before. She just told me awhile ago that she just wants to stay on low profile.
As for myself, I may appear to be a bit more detached, but I'm still here. I still feel amazingly the same for her. I just can't seem to send the message across. Because she seems very guarded.
More on this in the next entry. Soon.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Turning three months, but no turning corners
For prologue of entries, this may be one of the weirdest ones (and not to mention, out of line).
I dreamed of her last night. She fetched me in the airport. Moments later, we were making out.
Now, that's not yet the clincher. The clincher is I told her about it. Casually. Her reaction wasn't really good. What was I thinking? Or, was I thinking at all?
But anyway, it's all good now.
So, I promised a more cerebral approach to all of this. So, I'm going to try my best in here.
Tomorrow marks three months (of pretty much explain in here numerous times already). And the whole mechanism of it is I really fell for her quite hard, and you know, seeing the two part of how this is moving - (1) how I show it to her, and (2) how I truly feel for her. There is a significant difference how these two parts are compared from last November. I was tending to show her exactly how I feel for her. Now, I feel just as the same, but I have taken showing her stuff a notch down, or two. As from how I observe things the past weeks, this I'm not sure if this is a necessary adjustment or more like a instinctive reaction, or a mix of both.
The everyday things which are still there that I described earlier - yeah, we do sent each other messages on our own accords quite equally. And, most of it, I honestly feel that they are not forced. I still do feel that I don't think I couldn't go on a single day without hearing from her. I know it appears to be some kind of a dependency of a certain level, and it may show some good or bad signs. But that's just how I honestly feel. It's just feels incomplete now not knowing at least one event of her day, any day.
I had this grueling self question for weeks already - am I truly good enough for her? The common almost-retorts to this if you're looking at it from the outside perspective is "of course you are" or "why would you ask yourself that question?". But truly, as how I have learned quite some things along the way is the phrase "good enough" isn't linear. It's not "measured" or "gauged" by a singular dimension. It's not even measurable, obviously. It's more like for whatever "package" I offer seeing from her perspective, the question would be "is it going to work with and/or for her?" or more accurately "would she want to invest her whole self with me?". The answers wouldn't always be found overnight, or in a span of few years. In short, it's not entirely time-bound. But yeah, I have yet to know if I am TRULY good enough for her. If yes, I will be the happiest guy in the world (but reality check - in this current timeline). If not, I would wholly accept that.
We're gonna see each other five months from now, and as much as how exciting would be if what happened in my dream last night will happen, I'm gonna dismiss it. Just because right now we don't have that spark. We don't have the same spark we had last October 15th. I have been trying to maintain the same level of anticipation and excitement for it, and all along with that, just simply fostering the feeling and not losing we shared so good the best way that I can. I am honestly having doubts if we really are in the same page, even more now that we don't really talk about it at all. She is more like "just go with the flow, and let's see where this leads us". Well, I feel quite the same too in a way (add to the fact that I can't really say what we should be doing, and I'm not really the type of a controlling guy), but I'm more willing to row the boat, steer the wheel or whatever works. If there's someone who is willing to set things straight, that's going to be at least me. At least, I do have much of her attention (she said that at the least).
More of this in the next entry.
I dreamed of her last night. She fetched me in the airport. Moments later, we were making out.
Now, that's not yet the clincher. The clincher is I told her about it. Casually. Her reaction wasn't really good. What was I thinking? Or, was I thinking at all?
But anyway, it's all good now.
So, I promised a more cerebral approach to all of this. So, I'm going to try my best in here.
Tomorrow marks three months (of pretty much explain in here numerous times already). And the whole mechanism of it is I really fell for her quite hard, and you know, seeing the two part of how this is moving - (1) how I show it to her, and (2) how I truly feel for her. There is a significant difference how these two parts are compared from last November. I was tending to show her exactly how I feel for her. Now, I feel just as the same, but I have taken showing her stuff a notch down, or two. As from how I observe things the past weeks, this I'm not sure if this is a necessary adjustment or more like a instinctive reaction, or a mix of both.
The everyday things which are still there that I described earlier - yeah, we do sent each other messages on our own accords quite equally. And, most of it, I honestly feel that they are not forced. I still do feel that I don't think I couldn't go on a single day without hearing from her. I know it appears to be some kind of a dependency of a certain level, and it may show some good or bad signs. But that's just how I honestly feel. It's just feels incomplete now not knowing at least one event of her day, any day.
I had this grueling self question for weeks already - am I truly good enough for her? The common almost-retorts to this if you're looking at it from the outside perspective is "of course you are" or "why would you ask yourself that question?". But truly, as how I have learned quite some things along the way is the phrase "good enough" isn't linear. It's not "measured" or "gauged" by a singular dimension. It's not even measurable, obviously. It's more like for whatever "package" I offer seeing from her perspective, the question would be "is it going to work with and/or for her?" or more accurately "would she want to invest her whole self with me?". The answers wouldn't always be found overnight, or in a span of few years. In short, it's not entirely time-bound. But yeah, I have yet to know if I am TRULY good enough for her. If yes, I will be the happiest guy in the world (but reality check - in this current timeline). If not, I would wholly accept that.
We're gonna see each other five months from now, and as much as how exciting would be if what happened in my dream last night will happen, I'm gonna dismiss it. Just because right now we don't have that spark. We don't have the same spark we had last October 15th. I have been trying to maintain the same level of anticipation and excitement for it, and all along with that, just simply fostering the feeling and not losing we shared so good the best way that I can. I am honestly having doubts if we really are in the same page, even more now that we don't really talk about it at all. She is more like "just go with the flow, and let's see where this leads us". Well, I feel quite the same too in a way (add to the fact that I can't really say what we should be doing, and I'm not really the type of a controlling guy), but I'm more willing to row the boat, steer the wheel or whatever works. If there's someone who is willing to set things straight, that's going to be at least me. At least, I do have much of her attention (she said that at the least).
More of this in the next entry.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
A different February
Need to catch up and do an update in here. It's not because I'm running out of stuff to type in here (not gonna happen in the immediate future, I assure you that), but I've been relatively busier in the first week of the year, plus that I have been finding the perfect mood to blog (this one is very mandatory in EVERY ENTRY).
Now, it's like we're settling down to "what it should be". I mean our communication frequency. But up to how "extensive" this settling down would be?
Well, obviously the culprit so far is her work. She literally has no rest day since the Christmas week. Even on New Year's day she had to work. And this will go on until next week, then after that she has to make preparations for Chinese New Year. So pretty much I'll be on the sidelines for the next 4-5 weeks.
This just simply makes what's her mind unknown to me, except for those of her everyday stuff most probably. I've slowly adjusted so far in this kind of setup - I haven't really bugged her a lot (a concrete and solid reason why I need to back off a bit, like how I mentioned in the previous entries). The everyday stuff is still there, but they aren't just like before. They aren't that eye catching nor heart stopping like before. But I'm still thankful that I still hear from her. And I'm not really acting some kind of a clingy guy. So I think it's all good.
The other night, unexpectedly, she invited me to talk on the phone. Unexpected, because it was quite late, she just came home from work, she could have had a rough day, and she had to work the next day. To top all of that, it was a Saturday and she had to work also on Sunday. But still she invited me for a talk. The first we had for this year, and it was a nice talk. Missed her voice. Even more as the last time we talked was weeks ago. Here's how frequent we had talked recently.
A far cry from how frequent we talked in November, up to the first week of December. I even got missed calls.
I don't mean to whine nor complain, but I cannot deny that I really miss what we had two months ago. I know it's kinda wild and crazy trying to get a hold of her every moment possible. But yeah, I'm thankful having this opportunity compartmentalizing showing her how I feel these days and how I truly feel deep inside at this stage of whatever we have right now. These moments that I miss how she made me feel two months back - I can cherish these and may serve more like a "springboard" once we meet in several months.
But now, I'm pretty okay with our current setup, compared to almost turning to an emotional tragedy last month. From time to time she still calls me out still, it's just that she has been dreadfully busy with work. I don't honestly know what the future holds for us (well, who does?), but at this point, almost three months since I left their place, I still feel exactly the same for her, and looking forward for the next months until our next meeting carrying the same feelings for her (we'll see how it goes, if I still feel the same).
But for now, my next stop would be 6-8 weeks from now. The weeks after Chinese New Year. Before, I was looking forward for February for a different reason - my then-would-be trip to see her again. That then-would-be Valentine's Day date with her. But all that are cancelled because of some reason (not relevant to this blog). But now it turns out I'm looking forward for her not to be busy anymore (even just for that time only).
I promise for a more cerebral approach to the whole thing in the next entry, for a change.
Now, it's like we're settling down to "what it should be". I mean our communication frequency. But up to how "extensive" this settling down would be?
Well, obviously the culprit so far is her work. She literally has no rest day since the Christmas week. Even on New Year's day she had to work. And this will go on until next week, then after that she has to make preparations for Chinese New Year. So pretty much I'll be on the sidelines for the next 4-5 weeks.
This just simply makes what's her mind unknown to me, except for those of her everyday stuff most probably. I've slowly adjusted so far in this kind of setup - I haven't really bugged her a lot (a concrete and solid reason why I need to back off a bit, like how I mentioned in the previous entries). The everyday stuff is still there, but they aren't just like before. They aren't that eye catching nor heart stopping like before. But I'm still thankful that I still hear from her. And I'm not really acting some kind of a clingy guy. So I think it's all good.
The other night, unexpectedly, she invited me to talk on the phone. Unexpected, because it was quite late, she just came home from work, she could have had a rough day, and she had to work the next day. To top all of that, it was a Saturday and she had to work also on Sunday. But still she invited me for a talk. The first we had for this year, and it was a nice talk. Missed her voice. Even more as the last time we talked was weeks ago. Here's how frequent we had talked recently.
A far cry from how frequent we talked in November, up to the first week of December. I even got missed calls.
I don't mean to whine nor complain, but I cannot deny that I really miss what we had two months ago. I know it's kinda wild and crazy trying to get a hold of her every moment possible. But yeah, I'm thankful having this opportunity compartmentalizing showing her how I feel these days and how I truly feel deep inside at this stage of whatever we have right now. These moments that I miss how she made me feel two months back - I can cherish these and may serve more like a "springboard" once we meet in several months.
But now, I'm pretty okay with our current setup, compared to almost turning to an emotional tragedy last month. From time to time she still calls me out still, it's just that she has been dreadfully busy with work. I don't honestly know what the future holds for us (well, who does?), but at this point, almost three months since I left their place, I still feel exactly the same for her, and looking forward for the next months until our next meeting carrying the same feelings for her (we'll see how it goes, if I still feel the same).
But for now, my next stop would be 6-8 weeks from now. The weeks after Chinese New Year. Before, I was looking forward for February for a different reason - my then-would-be trip to see her again. That then-would-be Valentine's Day date with her. But all that are cancelled because of some reason (not relevant to this blog). But now it turns out I'm looking forward for her not to be busy anymore (even just for that time only).
I promise for a more cerebral approach to the whole thing in the next entry, for a change.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
More epic nights
I had five days straight of epic nights in celebrating the end of 2013 and the new year 2014 coming in. But they are not merely close as I could have really enjoyed it. Yes, I honestly enjoyed being with my friends (and most of them I haven't seen for years) on those days.
But it's different missing her and hoping to be with her on these nights.
Nights out drinking with friends with some I haven't seen for quite some time.
That crazy road trip we did and like a "race", trying to catch the year end countdown. And getting to the venue like a few minutes before midnight and actually being part of that countdown.
That another road trip starting the year way down south.
I hoped to share all of these nights with her. Having those nights along the way, I would just imagine her being with me, sharing those nights with me.
While on the turn of the new year, I reflect upon the past year, as this year actually marks the biggest turn of my relationship with her, obviously.
I started my 2013 not really expecting how it was going to end. And the way it ended? I never thought something like what would happen. We were just friends. Normal ones. We live quite far from each other and we didn't really talk that much. We just share stories very occasionally. And nothing would seem to be "dubious" since we started being friends almost five years ago, and even when we first met four years ago. There were no clues of what would take place afterwards. There were no clues of what we would be sharing years after. There were absolutely no clues how I would be feeling for her at this point.
Then we had that one magical night, and something what I would call and always remember as "the most sincere kiss I have ever given to someone" with her of no contest with that at that very moment. Then everything and a lot of stuff about myself just made their own turns and made their own ways in manners I never expected to happen.
It's just so amazing that seeing her before felt just normal, then now, she suddenly means a lot to me now. I know I get to see her photos before, but now whenever I see her face in the pictures, or just even reading her name, it just makes me feel simply giddy. You know, that butterflies in my tummy thing. It's just so crazy that before I see her as a friend, and now I see her as more than that, and we sort of shared that feeling (in past tense because I'm not sure if she STILL feels the same as before). It's just astonishing that before I was pretty okay talking to her occasionally, and now I can't seem to stand a day not talking to her, and now I just want to be with her. The only rational explanation that I can think of is maybe after all I had hidden feelings for her which I just did not notice, and everything just sprouted out on that night. As for her, maybe just the same but I don't really know.
I've fallen for her, really hard. And sometimes, I think about what if I hadn't found out how I truly felt for her in that timeline. I wouldn't want to think I would feel this way for another girl because I just couldn't imagine it for now. It's like I'm meant to have this feeling for her, no matter what the outcome would be. Like I already mentioned, it's been a long time since I have fostered this very strong feeling for someone, and this time it's her.
And having this very amazing feeling for her, I would really want to know how far we can really go. How far can we really do it. How far can we make it work and happen. I honestly already have plans, this year. And a part of it she already knows. Just waiting for it to be in motion. And I really hope I can make a move really soon. I'm so tired waiting and just looking at the horizon. I want to catch that horizon, and this is the perfect time, with the perfect reason.
On the fourth night of those epic nights, she sent me a very night new year message. Just a short one, but a nice one. I sent her on myself at midnight. It goes something like thanking her for a great 2013, more specifically in the last three months of the year, then wishing her happiness and love this year 2014, looking forward in seeing her in a few months, and I told her I'm missing her. I didn't get any response from that, even the next day, as these days she has just simply not really receptive to me than before. It's kind of saddening, but hey, that's the way it goes. I have to accept that and be patient about it.
So yeah, this is the new year and I am calling out this year 2014 to be my year. I'm gonna make things happen, and I am calling her out to be part of it. A BIG part of it. I will surely have more epic nights to come, but I wish she will be with me in those nights.
But it's different missing her and hoping to be with her on these nights.
Nights out drinking with friends with some I haven't seen for quite some time.
That crazy road trip we did and like a "race", trying to catch the year end countdown. And getting to the venue like a few minutes before midnight and actually being part of that countdown.
That another road trip starting the year way down south.
I hoped to share all of these nights with her. Having those nights along the way, I would just imagine her being with me, sharing those nights with me.
While on the turn of the new year, I reflect upon the past year, as this year actually marks the biggest turn of my relationship with her, obviously.
I started my 2013 not really expecting how it was going to end. And the way it ended? I never thought something like what would happen. We were just friends. Normal ones. We live quite far from each other and we didn't really talk that much. We just share stories very occasionally. And nothing would seem to be "dubious" since we started being friends almost five years ago, and even when we first met four years ago. There were no clues of what would take place afterwards. There were no clues of what we would be sharing years after. There were absolutely no clues how I would be feeling for her at this point.
Then we had that one magical night, and something what I would call and always remember as "the most sincere kiss I have ever given to someone" with her of no contest with that at that very moment. Then everything and a lot of stuff about myself just made their own turns and made their own ways in manners I never expected to happen.
It's just so amazing that seeing her before felt just normal, then now, she suddenly means a lot to me now. I know I get to see her photos before, but now whenever I see her face in the pictures, or just even reading her name, it just makes me feel simply giddy. You know, that butterflies in my tummy thing. It's just so crazy that before I see her as a friend, and now I see her as more than that, and we sort of shared that feeling (in past tense because I'm not sure if she STILL feels the same as before). It's just astonishing that before I was pretty okay talking to her occasionally, and now I can't seem to stand a day not talking to her, and now I just want to be with her. The only rational explanation that I can think of is maybe after all I had hidden feelings for her which I just did not notice, and everything just sprouted out on that night. As for her, maybe just the same but I don't really know.
I've fallen for her, really hard. And sometimes, I think about what if I hadn't found out how I truly felt for her in that timeline. I wouldn't want to think I would feel this way for another girl because I just couldn't imagine it for now. It's like I'm meant to have this feeling for her, no matter what the outcome would be. Like I already mentioned, it's been a long time since I have fostered this very strong feeling for someone, and this time it's her.
And having this very amazing feeling for her, I would really want to know how far we can really go. How far can we really do it. How far can we make it work and happen. I honestly already have plans, this year. And a part of it she already knows. Just waiting for it to be in motion. And I really hope I can make a move really soon. I'm so tired waiting and just looking at the horizon. I want to catch that horizon, and this is the perfect time, with the perfect reason.
On the fourth night of those epic nights, she sent me a very night new year message. Just a short one, but a nice one. I sent her on myself at midnight. It goes something like thanking her for a great 2013, more specifically in the last three months of the year, then wishing her happiness and love this year 2014, looking forward in seeing her in a few months, and I told her I'm missing her. I didn't get any response from that, even the next day, as these days she has just simply not really receptive to me than before. It's kind of saddening, but hey, that's the way it goes. I have to accept that and be patient about it.
So yeah, this is the new year and I am calling out this year 2014 to be my year. I'm gonna make things happen, and I am calling her out to be part of it. A BIG part of it. I will surely have more epic nights to come, but I wish she will be with me in those nights.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Those Six Months
I've finally set the dates when I'm coming over to her place. Sometime in June. Well, it should have been in February but something happened along the way which wasn't my control. Pretty disappointing, but nothing I could do, and at least now I've set it myself. Four months later than planned, but I'll take it.
So, what happened exactly?
We have this friend who has been working with this airline and they got this annual benefit stuff that they give out airfare tickets to family and friends of their choice. My name was submitted. Then quickly enough, early November, maybe around three weeks after coming back home from that trip, I was notified that I was qualified for those free tickets with the travel date of my choice from December 2013 - Q1 2014. That wasn't part of the plan and that just excited me so much.
I told her about it as a surprise. She was pretty happy about it (later I'll fill in the details because this is actually the big part of this entry).
Fast forward to mid December (wherein the events which has happened in the past few entries were described), there had been some technicalities in the tickets. In short, I, along with the other beneficiaries, am not getting those free tickets.
So pretty much this, along with the fact that there has been changes in her or in us, made me depressed. Just imagine, I was trying to hold on and been counting down the days until February because things from my perspective hadn't been going quite well, then you give me this. That's a short bad string of events.
Of course I had to tell her. To add the fact that she hasn't really made me feel that she still wants to see me the same way I gave her the first news early November.
So I was just scouring for promo fares in the past few weeks, then suddenly yesterday -- I got what I had been waiting for. Booked and confirmed my flight just today. Midway June, gonna spend more than a week there. And, as SOP, I told her.
Her reaction?
Well, let's just go back first to the November conversation. Here's how it went when I told her about the free tickets and that possibility of seeing her just a few months from that time...
And it even spawned a post from her that same night...
Really nice aren't they? From there anyone would be able to gauge how she felt for me, and how she felt knowing we would be seeing each other again. Apart from the thought that I would see her again in four months from that time, it made me feel so elated knowing how she felt about it.
So now this time, in the middle of "these changes" in her, I would finally book the dates and finally have this definitive proof and assurance that we will be seeing each other again. And I tell her these. And this is what she gave me. This is how she reacted.
At the back of my mind, I kind of expected it already, but upon seeing it, it still hurt AT LEAST a bit.
Her reaction tonight was nowhere near as amazing nor as touching or even as appreciative as how she did in November. And if you were someone like a third person, the difference is without question obvious. And I don't know if we will ever talk about this as much or just as similar as how we did in November.
I really don't know how to feel about this. And I just simply miss the feeling that she gave me last month.
And despite what has been happening (or not happening) in the past few weeks, I am still feeling the same for her. My heart is not going anywhere in the near future -- it has still been there where I left it. I have fallen for her real hard, and I'm quite uncertain if she will be catching me.
I've been wanting to ask her if we can talk, just like before. But it just seems not the same anymore. I have been trying to think of ways how I can make her make me feel just like before again, but it feels like a crime doing so. There are nights that I do cry, fighting this feeling so hard of being able to do nothing. Sometimes I wonder, why was I given this kind of very strong feelings for someone so far away. Why I wasn't given this for someone close.
I feel like I will get a real fighting and solid chance at her when I get close to her again, which could have been less than two months from now, now became half year from now. And there are a lot of things that can and may happen with those six months. I'll just wait until then.
I just want to be happy.
So, what happened exactly?
We have this friend who has been working with this airline and they got this annual benefit stuff that they give out airfare tickets to family and friends of their choice. My name was submitted. Then quickly enough, early November, maybe around three weeks after coming back home from that trip, I was notified that I was qualified for those free tickets with the travel date of my choice from December 2013 - Q1 2014. That wasn't part of the plan and that just excited me so much.
I told her about it as a surprise. She was pretty happy about it (later I'll fill in the details because this is actually the big part of this entry).
Fast forward to mid December (wherein the events which has happened in the past few entries were described), there had been some technicalities in the tickets. In short, I, along with the other beneficiaries, am not getting those free tickets.
So pretty much this, along with the fact that there has been changes in her or in us, made me depressed. Just imagine, I was trying to hold on and been counting down the days until February because things from my perspective hadn't been going quite well, then you give me this. That's a short bad string of events.
Of course I had to tell her. To add the fact that she hasn't really made me feel that she still wants to see me the same way I gave her the first news early November.
So I was just scouring for promo fares in the past few weeks, then suddenly yesterday -- I got what I had been waiting for. Booked and confirmed my flight just today. Midway June, gonna spend more than a week there. And, as SOP, I told her.
Her reaction?
Well, let's just go back first to the November conversation. Here's how it went when I told her about the free tickets and that possibility of seeing her just a few months from that time...
And it even spawned a post from her that same night...
Really nice aren't they? From there anyone would be able to gauge how she felt for me, and how she felt knowing we would be seeing each other again. Apart from the thought that I would see her again in four months from that time, it made me feel so elated knowing how she felt about it.
So now this time, in the middle of "these changes" in her, I would finally book the dates and finally have this definitive proof and assurance that we will be seeing each other again. And I tell her these. And this is what she gave me. This is how she reacted.
At the back of my mind, I kind of expected it already, but upon seeing it, it still hurt AT LEAST a bit.
Her reaction tonight was nowhere near as amazing nor as touching or even as appreciative as how she did in November. And if you were someone like a third person, the difference is without question obvious. And I don't know if we will ever talk about this as much or just as similar as how we did in November.
I really don't know how to feel about this. And I just simply miss the feeling that she gave me last month.
And despite what has been happening (or not happening) in the past few weeks, I am still feeling the same for her. My heart is not going anywhere in the near future -- it has still been there where I left it. I have fallen for her real hard, and I'm quite uncertain if she will be catching me.
I've been wanting to ask her if we can talk, just like before. But it just seems not the same anymore. I have been trying to think of ways how I can make her make me feel just like before again, but it feels like a crime doing so. There are nights that I do cry, fighting this feeling so hard of being able to do nothing. Sometimes I wonder, why was I given this kind of very strong feelings for someone so far away. Why I wasn't given this for someone close.
I feel like I will get a real fighting and solid chance at her when I get close to her again, which could have been less than two months from now, now became half year from now. And there are a lot of things that can and may happen with those six months. I'll just wait until then.
I just want to be happy.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
No sweet Christmastime for me
Christmas eve. December 25th, exactly 12:59 AM GMT+8.
Right this moment, my mind is at a blur -- exactly because there are several stuff in my mind that I can write about, but I'm not sure which I should write about first. So there may be some struggle in terms of cohesiveness of this entry as you read on.
Firstly, I was out of the blogworld for a week because I've been sick (until now but I am almost fully recovered now).
Secondly, coming from the blog stats, a considerable number of page views have come from T's place (with majority of the views using the same unit as hers). So maybe it's possible she has already found this by now.
Last night, we had this quick conversation which ended up her saying that nothing has changed since that day. I am touched by it but I am having an ultimately hard time to believe it (despite having received my first red heart from her earlier that day as well because of my picture). There is just one big reason why -- she haven't made me feel what she made me feel the whole month of November (which I haven't described in detail and put it on an entry in here just yet).
As soon as I set my eyes on her back late October, a few weeks after coming home from their place, I was anticipating a very happy Christmas for us. For maybe around six weeks, we went on without a hitch. She made me so happy, and I think I did pretty much the same for her. And the then-on going plans of visiting her again in a few months time. We really had something to look forward to. She even referred that as a "blessing". And along the way, she would post some really sweet stuff about me, which would really melt my heart. I would do the same. Every morning in my first waking moments, I would always read her morning messages. The late night talks, the exchange of pictures and voice notes. All of it I cherish and have been keeping in a special place in my heart (and most of them in my phone and laptop memory). All those made my November so sweet.
Then it was a major turn around when this month came around. After her holiday trip.
When I start missing something in her, I suddenly lost some chance in counting how many times she would sleep on me while we talked on the phone, and her not even having the first count on how many times I would play with my wrist watch while we would talk. Instead, I started counting days, and her I am not sure.
Now I don't get morning messages.
Now I feel it's a crime when I ask her about us. It's a crime if I do ask her if she misses me still.
Now I barely hear her voice live. I just go back to her old voice notes just to hear her voice.
Now we always have "dead air" moments, like I'm always on "sentry" mode, just waiting for her to send me a message.
Now she doesn't send me pictures like she used to. I just go back and check those pictures I stolen from her.
Now she doesn't send me rapid messages all day like we used to before. Some seem to appear forced already. Even at least two of her posts about me I found hidden.
Now she seem to be more selective of her replies from my messages.
And I'm missing her so badly, and hurts even more because of this "emotional distance". The physical distance causes a pain of its own, but this emotional distance does take a hefty toll.
It's okay to be this way IF WE DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO START FROM. IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT SWEET NOVEMBER. But we did have that Sweet November. That special time. And turning around to something like this, with the reason that quite makes me an added stress (by the way, that 'stress' described in the previous entry is already resolved).
And for two weeks I've been awfully scared of losing her, awfully scared of getting back what we were used to be. And I've honestly never been scared like this of losing someone for a long time.
This is why I'm having a hard time believing her when she said nothing has changed in her since that day. And this Christmas day isn't the kind of Christmas I was expecting two months ago.
I still want to push this though, since she said nothing has changed and in fairness to her, she would still ask how my day would be from time to time, and she did send me a heart yesterday.
But right now, I honestly don't know how exactly I'm gonna push through. But at one certain moment, I will know what to do.
A meaningful Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.
Right this moment, my mind is at a blur -- exactly because there are several stuff in my mind that I can write about, but I'm not sure which I should write about first. So there may be some struggle in terms of cohesiveness of this entry as you read on.
Firstly, I was out of the blogworld for a week because I've been sick (until now but I am almost fully recovered now).
Secondly, coming from the blog stats, a considerable number of page views have come from T's place (with majority of the views using the same unit as hers). So maybe it's possible she has already found this by now.
Last night, we had this quick conversation which ended up her saying that nothing has changed since that day. I am touched by it but I am having an ultimately hard time to believe it (despite having received my first red heart from her earlier that day as well because of my picture). There is just one big reason why -- she haven't made me feel what she made me feel the whole month of November (which I haven't described in detail and put it on an entry in here just yet).
As soon as I set my eyes on her back late October, a few weeks after coming home from their place, I was anticipating a very happy Christmas for us. For maybe around six weeks, we went on without a hitch. She made me so happy, and I think I did pretty much the same for her. And the then-on going plans of visiting her again in a few months time. We really had something to look forward to. She even referred that as a "blessing". And along the way, she would post some really sweet stuff about me, which would really melt my heart. I would do the same. Every morning in my first waking moments, I would always read her morning messages. The late night talks, the exchange of pictures and voice notes. All of it I cherish and have been keeping in a special place in my heart (and most of them in my phone and laptop memory). All those made my November so sweet.
Then it was a major turn around when this month came around. After her holiday trip.
When I start missing something in her, I suddenly lost some chance in counting how many times she would sleep on me while we talked on the phone, and her not even having the first count on how many times I would play with my wrist watch while we would talk. Instead, I started counting days, and her I am not sure.
Now I don't get morning messages.
Now I feel it's a crime when I ask her about us. It's a crime if I do ask her if she misses me still.
Now I barely hear her voice live. I just go back to her old voice notes just to hear her voice.
Now we always have "dead air" moments, like I'm always on "sentry" mode, just waiting for her to send me a message.
Now she doesn't send me pictures like she used to. I just go back and check those pictures I stolen from her.
Now she doesn't send me rapid messages all day like we used to before. Some seem to appear forced already. Even at least two of her posts about me I found hidden.
Now she seem to be more selective of her replies from my messages.
And I'm missing her so badly, and hurts even more because of this "emotional distance". The physical distance causes a pain of its own, but this emotional distance does take a hefty toll.
It's okay to be this way IF WE DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO START FROM. IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT SWEET NOVEMBER. But we did have that Sweet November. That special time. And turning around to something like this, with the reason that quite makes me an added stress (by the way, that 'stress' described in the previous entry is already resolved).
And for two weeks I've been awfully scared of losing her, awfully scared of getting back what we were used to be. And I've honestly never been scared like this of losing someone for a long time.
This is why I'm having a hard time believing her when she said nothing has changed in her since that day. And this Christmas day isn't the kind of Christmas I was expecting two months ago.
I still want to push this though, since she said nothing has changed and in fairness to her, she would still ask how my day would be from time to time, and she did send me a heart yesterday.
But right now, I honestly don't know how exactly I'm gonna push through. But at one certain moment, I will know what to do.
A meaningful Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Watching her from afar
Ok, I got at least a partial answer of what's really going on. Somehow, it doesn't really feel okay. It honestly doesn't bode well for me.
This morning I just had to ask her, and if I'm not mistaken, she had it expected for the second time already. I said I was wondering if she still feels the same two months back. And her answer that she has been dealing with something which greatly stresses her (which I do completely understand), that "to be honest, I never thought about it... and didn't want to add more stuff to my head. But of course I have not forgotten anything about us, anything about it. I know I am bad these days I didn't talk much with you. I know. I just didn't know how to react or reply to you especially your post" in her exact words.
The first thing that I noticed that she actually didn't answer the question directly. It was just a yes or no type of question. Probably the answer I was really looking for, then the optional explanations.
Also, the fact that she said that she didn't know how to react or reply to that particular post of mine (it's about these days being two months away from when it all happened), it means there are some questions or doubts in mind.
But really, I didn't want to add up things to her head which are significantly less important than what she has been dealing with. I mean who's actually gonna make some serious considerations in prioritizing something intangible coming from a "stolen day" two months ago which isn't really going to have a bearing either way. I don't want to find myself bugging her about it. It's just not going to work that way. Also, I don't want her to think I'm just a few-sided person who is just focused on her and my music (which she already told me once that I had to explain my way out).
So, I'm backing off. I won't be the same guy bugging her all the time about unimportant stuff. She said it's not about being a burden and all that, but that's what it seems to appear, in between the lines. I'm just letting her be, I won't send her messages as much, as the more I think about it, the more I'm just gonna think that I'm not helping at all. Not meaning to look for a pity party here, but that's how it feels. I don't know though if this is going to be easy.
Yea, soon enough my life will just be a scribble of lines.
Seems to fit at this very moment. I have no idea where she is now. It's almost 12 midnight and I don't know if she already home or still out as she mentioned she went to a show tonight. Bottom line is I am not getting anything and I just have no idea at all.
Soon enough, she will find this blog and read this. But what the heck anyway. Things have obviously changed already. If before it felt like her so close to me, now it's like watching her from afar, trying to see her from a distance. It really isn't easy for me going back to how we were before because I've been so used to talking to her every single day. But we'll see what happens soon.
This morning I just had to ask her, and if I'm not mistaken, she had it expected for the second time already. I said I was wondering if she still feels the same two months back. And her answer that she has been dealing with something which greatly stresses her (which I do completely understand), that "to be honest, I never thought about it... and didn't want to add more stuff to my head. But of course I have not forgotten anything about us, anything about it. I know I am bad these days I didn't talk much with you. I know. I just didn't know how to react or reply to you especially your post" in her exact words.
The first thing that I noticed that she actually didn't answer the question directly. It was just a yes or no type of question. Probably the answer I was really looking for, then the optional explanations.
Also, the fact that she said that she didn't know how to react or reply to that particular post of mine (it's about these days being two months away from when it all happened), it means there are some questions or doubts in mind.
But really, I didn't want to add up things to her head which are significantly less important than what she has been dealing with. I mean who's actually gonna make some serious considerations in prioritizing something intangible coming from a "stolen day" two months ago which isn't really going to have a bearing either way. I don't want to find myself bugging her about it. It's just not going to work that way. Also, I don't want her to think I'm just a few-sided person who is just focused on her and my music (which she already told me once that I had to explain my way out).
So, I'm backing off. I won't be the same guy bugging her all the time about unimportant stuff. She said it's not about being a burden and all that, but that's what it seems to appear, in between the lines. I'm just letting her be, I won't send her messages as much, as the more I think about it, the more I'm just gonna think that I'm not helping at all. Not meaning to look for a pity party here, but that's how it feels. I don't know though if this is going to be easy.
Yea, soon enough my life will just be a scribble of lines.
Seems to fit at this very moment. I have no idea where she is now. It's almost 12 midnight and I don't know if she already home or still out as she mentioned she went to a show tonight. Bottom line is I am not getting anything and I just have no idea at all.
Soon enough, she will find this blog and read this. But what the heck anyway. Things have obviously changed already. If before it felt like her so close to me, now it's like watching her from afar, trying to see her from a distance. It really isn't easy for me going back to how we were before because I've been so used to talking to her every single day. But we'll see what happens soon.
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