The Kitty Story Chapter X + 2: The Open Ended Conversation

Ok, this one is going to be a bit crunchy, and may make some noise. But this is not to antagonize anyone. Just part of exercising my right to grieve.

And by the way, I'm a bit feeling relatively better now compared to the past few days. So I am quite more fit to approach this particular entry better than any other day. This is going to be one heck of a cerebral entry.

This entry is to decipher what happened last Sunday morning, and how did our conversation go.

As I woke up that morning, and saw two of her Facebook posts which seemed she was not doing ok (where I assume/d those posts have nothing to do with me). It seemed quite alarming for me, so I sent her a message in Whatsapp to check her out. Here how it went (corrected all those grammatical/typographical errors and txt types):

9:39 me : hey are you ok?
10:40 HER: morning
10:41 me : morning
10:41 me : are you ok?
10:43 HER: not really
10:43 HER: but i'll deal with it
10:43 me : what happened?
10:45 HER: things happened between me and the guy
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 HER: i need to talk to you as well
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now
10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings
10:52 me : ok. thanks for telling me.
10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that
10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:53 HER: i just can't go on
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list
10:54 me : ok
10:55 me : before i say something else, i want to let you know that my feelings for you never changed. it really surprised me.
10:55 HER: i do not know what future holds there for me. but i just need to move on.
10:55 me : but yea. this is so heartbreaking for me.
10:56 me : anyway, you won't hear from me again ever.
10:56 me : i will cancel my KL trip
10:56 HER: hey
10:56 me : i wish you happiness
10:56 me : thanks for everything
10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

Then I blocked her out in Whatsapp after the last message (which maybe took me at least five minutes because I had to learn how to do it in a new phone with a new OS - which is a Windows phone), uninstalled my Viber. Placed Kitty and everything that came along with her in a box where I won't open for a long long time. Then finally deactivating my Facebook account.

But noticed I also included the timestamps. This will come along with the decode.

By these logs alone, I can tell two mutually exclusive hypotheses: either she wasn't ready to tell me the truth that time (that I caught her in a bad time, obviously because of the two Facebook posts prior to this conversation), or she never really cares if I only knew a part of the truth (which is now she is going out with a guy). Either way, she never bothered to tell the whole truth, and there are more than a single way to tell me after that conversation if she really cared.

10:45 HER: things happened between me and the guy
10:46 me : hmm ok
10:46 me : hope things will get better
10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me
10:50 HER: i am going out with a guy now

Things happened between him and her. At first I thought they had this big fight and it was quite serious, as my impression to this is the guy and the guy she's going out now are two different guys (jealousy problem, or similar to my own predicament now).

I thought she was gonna explain what are the things happened to her and the guy. But she didn't. "Things happening between two people" can mean a lot of things. It made me think that the guy and the guy she's going out now are just the same guy. But of course, nothing conclusive about that. It's just a speculation, nothing more.

10:53 me : may i know who the guy is?
10:54 HER: he's not in my fb list

So I asked. Directly. Nicely. No unnecessary words used.

Friends, whether you're in a professional or in a social line of conversation, it is just UTTERLY RUDE not to answer a nicely presented question with the object of answer you're being asked of, unless you are qualified not to answer what you're asked of.

I think my question is nicely presented. I think this qualifies for the object of answer that I asked.

I did not ask if this guy is in her fb list or not. I asked who the guy is. Big chance that I don't know him, but if this qualifies, this warrants that at least she describe him to me, how does she know him, or anything that's more concrete that "not being in my fb list" as anyone would accept as object of the answer in question.

I missed asking the question on since when they starting seeing each other. At how the conversation looks like at that point, it doesn't seem she would tell me on her own without being asked. I would touch on this part again as this entry progresses.

10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen

Saying sorry is almost an always instinctive go-to word that people usually say when other people get hurt. I give her that. But "I don't mean this to happen"? If you're going to say something like this to someone you've hurt (because sometimes, like this one, it can't be avoided), make sure you back it up why you "don't mean this to happen". or at least show an effort of backing it up, even if it could be senseless (because it shows you actually care because you're trying to justify it, not say it just for the sake of un-antagonizing yourself with that one liner, while you wait for the response of the person you're talking to/hurting).

And this actually supports both of my hypotheses.

10:56 HER: i am really sorry and i don't mean this to happen
10:56 me : goodbye. farewell.
11:05 me : don't feel sorry.
11:05 me : i'm just a footnote in your life
11:05 me : don't worry about me
11:06 HER: it's not what you think
11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

The first thing that should be noticed here are the timestamps. And this actually worsens what I just said previously. Between her two messages 10:56 and 11:06, ten minutes in between. Then another five minutes until my last message. And maybe around five minutes more before I blocked her out in Whatsapp. Twenty minutes, tops. I actually did this on purpose. She had twenty minutes tops. If she really wanted to explain everything that she needed to tell me, that was her window. But she didn't. Never bothered. Which brings me messages back...

10:49 me : ok. tell me what you need to tell me

Everything she told me, and everything that I see here, all those were just the things she felt/feels she only needed to tell me. I deliberately didn't ask much questions, invasive or not, as I was already gauging her at that point if she really cared for me, even at that point of hurting. And just to be fair about it, if within that twenty minutes, all those uncontrollable events or instances didn't favor her in telling me everything THAT I NEEDED TO KNOW (over the things she felt she needed to tell me), there has been so much time after that - between around 11:15am that morning until right this very moment. That's three and a half days. That's 108 hours. And she would only need maybe around five to ten minutes, several lines of messages, to tell me WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW. I had not only been reachable by Whatsapp, Viber or Facebook. There are other ways anyone can reach me.

Maybe I was right in my last message.

11:11 me : no need for explanations. you don't need to prove anything to me.

At that moment, I could have blindly figured out she wouldn't even bother explaining the gray areas of our conversation after that. I guess I was right.

It is even all possible that if I didn't check her out that morning, she wouldn't even tell me that moment that she was already seeing someone. But of course, I wouldn't know now as it's gonna be a speculation for the longest time.

If you really care for the person that you know you're gonna hurt, it's better to tell that person everything that he/she needs to know. If you ain't got a clue what he/she needs to know, it means you don't care enough. That it's okay you with what you just said and let him/her hang with questions. And that's gonna take a toll on your integrity as a social person. No one should need a big reminder as this just to save yourself from such a shortcoming.

A few more tidbits within that conversation alone.

10:52 HER: the feeling of what me and you had existed and just at a corner. i need to see things that are concrete, not just only by feelings

I know I have already mentioned this here a few times, but more than once she told me "I WILL PATIENTLY WAIT FOR YOU, NO MATTER WHAT." We were both so excited about my supposed to be February trip to her place, and got so bummed when it was cancelled. But that was just a supposedly added excitement to our story. My whole plan was to get a permanent work there so I get to be with her. My TRUE timeline was Q3-Q4 of this year. I have my contacts, people there have been calling me. She knows this. I was so ready to leave my life in here, sacrifice everything I needed to sacrifice, even getting ready to leave my own band (which has been in the middle of something of a really big good news). Everything, just to be with her. Just to make EVERYTHING CONCRETE. She isn't the only only thinking about SEEING THINGS THAT ARE CONCRETE. Everyday I had to dread of waiting for that very day. And I had been very focused on her every single day, just relying wholly on technology and hoping someday that I don't need to rely on it and just have her in my arms. Simple as that.

But with her, it seemed to her that everything that I have been dreaming of were just at a corner the whole time.

Well, this is where I had risked myself. There was always been a part of our story where if we ever find someone else along the way, we have to tell the other. That part was the risk. I guess I have been fervently hoping that we both don't find someone else, that she didn't find someone else because I know what I feel for her is seriously special. That I never felt this way for another person at this level before.

I guess I held on too much on what she told me.

10:52 HER: i know you did lots to maintain that

Ironically, I didn't have to do a lot to maintain how I feel for her. Everything was just so effortless. Which is really special, just as to support what I just said previously.

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So that's just about the conversation alone. There is more (but not too much more, I promise). Beyond the conversation. Aftermath, maybe?

I got partly confused why such the series of her Facebook posts before and after our last conversation.

After a few happy posts just after April Fools, which includes two paper arts, her expression of love (for someone, obviously), and feeling blessed for having Teddy, I thought that it was kind of odd (because she never posted about her expression of love). I thought less of it, but deep in me I wondered if she actually already found someone. So I waited if she was going to tell me, holding on to our agreement (which she herself has said) - "NO HIDING".

A few days after came Sunday morning when we had the last conversation. Her posts seemed to went upside down (correcting grammar/typo errors):

"Have I made a wrong direction? It's so hard for me to cope alone! — feeling depressed."
"Slept with the worst feeling ever! — feeling horrible."

These were what I saw that made me check on her. Then she posted almost right after our conversation:

"The worst ever month I have in my life... — feeling pained."

Well, after confirming that the earlier happy posts entails her having found someone (which also includes her expression of love), shouldn't she be happy about it? It had only been what? Two days around that time?

[No not really. I somehow found out that this has been going on for more than a week already. Last week of last month. Not gonna tell how I found out, but it's not too hard to see. If I am correct, so much for "NO HIDING".]

If all of these have something to do with me, well she would/will get over it the shortest time possible. It won't be long that she will be posting happy posts again. But by how our conversation went, I highly doubt these have something to do with me.

Which leaves us to - not having something to do with me. If this is true, I am clearly out of her storyline now.

Which makes me... the title of this blog. Just a Scribble Of Lines. She made her choice on her storyline. My life is just a Scribble Of Lines.

If this particular entry will make its way to her, if she herself reads this, I know she will get mad at me, as almost everything that I mentioned here are all based on assumptions. She may curse me, and hate me for the longest time.

But surprise surprise! Not telling everything and leaving gray areas out in the open just actually leaves a room for questions. No one actually wants to be left in the dark with open ended conversations.

I really don't need her explanations now (not that she will give it to me if she gets mad at me), but maybe it would be prudent if she knows how this amplified in such a proportion, that she may never leave open ended conversations and let doors for questioning and assumptions to the next person.

That NO ONE ELSE WILL DO THIS AGAIN.

I hope no one would be left questioning and trying to finish even but a grain of truth, especially in the matters of the heart. And as for the other side, I hope everyone cares for everyone we all care about. That we all make every effort to say everything we all need to know, even if YOU OWE NOTHING TO THEM. And also, we should all be careful of all seriousness and heartfelt things that we say to those we care for, and more importantly to those who care about you. These become engrained in our hearts that if we fail to make it through, we'll just hurt the other person. We may be forgivable, but at times not forgettable.

I hope we all do not need a big reminder as this to realize all these.

----



No.

You'll be on a pedestal.

I'll become the stranger.

----

Thank you for the readers who have followed this blog (if I have readers). I'll be making my last and very final entry for this blog soon. I'll be all fair in that very final entry. And I'll be saying my proper goodbyes to my very special friend Kitty, and all the once great and fantastic things, feelings and events that came along with this whole story.

The Kitty Story Chapter X + 1: No more stealing another day with her.

Chapter X denotes to the un-estimated chapters before the final chapters. This is the start of the final chapters.



This one is a bastardized quote from the novelist Hanif Kureishi.

And she herself quoted the original a few days after I left their place. After those kisses. She is pertaining to our non-official pseudo-relationship which started around that time.

Now, I have tailored and bastardized the quote in my own predicament.

Whatever we had between then and now, no matter how it declined through the months, it ended yesterday.

And no matter how it ended yesterday, it ended with me loving her. Now, I got to stop that feeling no matter how it hurts to badly.

So what happened?

She is now starting to see some other guy. Who this guy is, she didn't tell me who even though I asked her nicely.

This is the first time I ever had my heart broken so badly like this in years. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I am truly left with nothing but my FALTERING COURAGE to go on. I am like an aimlessly lost soul, wondering if I'll be found again ever.

Oddly enough, I would tell her musingly "Catch you later!" and there were occasions that she would respond positively that sometimes it would just make me smile senselessly. That I really intended to catch her, either for a moment or if she falls for me.

But now, there is no more catching. Ironically, I fell for her but she isn't there anymore to catch me. I just fell on the concrete real hard. The impact that hit me is just no like other pain that I have ever experienced.

So much for "I'll be patiently waiting for you, no matter what."

No more red hearts.



No more Viber calls.



No more feeling like this.



No more showing each other what meals we had or how we look at certain moments.

No more good morning and good night greetings.

No more exchanges of random voice notes and sweet nothings.

No more chance of stealing another day with her.

No more.

Right now, it seems that I'm trying to wildly trying to grasp her, just flailing around what I can. But who am I fooling? I know she won't be there within reach.

She may now not admit that I am not a footnote in her life, but soon enough this will be true. I am just making this happen a little faster.

I'm just gonna be a footnote in her life, one way or another.

As I type this with a heavy heart, I feel lost and stranded.

First night: Meds not working

This is the first night of torment. As my Facebook account is currently deactivated, I'm posting in here instead.

It's almost 3 in the morning. I have work just hours from now. The sleep medicine isn't seem to be working. This is just nuts, I need my sleep.

Help.

The Kitty Story Final Chapters: End of the Road

The Kitty story made a very sharp curve earlier today. It's meeting the end of the road.

I cannot type out all what happened due to my current emotional condition. I will get on to it once I am able to do so.

But seems this is the start of the final entries of this blog. The all-culmination of the past six months of my life.

Became so insanely beautiful in my eyes

I promise, this will just be a very short entry but a very direct one.

It's just so crazy how someone who was just a normal friend to me some years back, who just looked normal to me all those times became so insanely beautiful in my eyes in just a blink of an eye. Just because of that single day.



And I'm still feeling the same for the past few months. I don't think this will just die down soon.

I don't have any explanations for that turnaround. Not that I need it.

First time missing a beat

In times of our loneliness, we often find ourselves looking for love in the obvious form of another person, wondering where he/she is gonna come from and where he/she is right now, not even realizing someone else is already capable of giving it to you.

Well, that's how some things go. It's just the way it is. We often look for someone who we secretly want and simply overlook those few people who secretly want or love you.

I wonder if she still feels the same. I really don't know.

Just recently, I had to change phones. And I came across our old logs from our WeChat conversations. It's just so astonishing how someone could have been so sweet (in all those hard evidence) and just make such a hundred eighty degree twist, leaving me partly wondering why. Yeah, we could be senseless, but I would appreciate it more if she said it to me directly rather than going cryptic through a few lines of lyrics.

Reading those logs and listening to her audio recordings, it's as if I almost forgot we had those memories. They are very special, and I am very thankful to today's technology that I am able to keep them just as the same quality like we had them at that time. We really had it going those times, and all those very nice and sweet nothings just kept on pouring.

But she just had to turn it around. Then asked for being on a low profile. Then now I feel she has been distant, on purpose.

Yeah, at some point a few months back, she kinda "assured" me that she still feels/felt the same way as before. But looking at what's been happening and not happening recently, I am quite convinced that she isn't feeling the same anymore.

And, I am not stern enough to ask her straight. I'm just not in a good position to do it.

She has no idea what kind of feeling she has given me. I hope I can just escape this very easily. But no, I just often find myself looking at her pictures. I often find myself simply thinking about her. On extended times of the day. It's hard to explain on flat words but this kind of feeling that I have for her, I don't think I will have that same feeling again for another girl for a long time.

For my next visit, I would risk myself out there for her. At least to have the same feeling that we shared the last time we were together, even just for a short time. Even for just that ten days. Even if I know to myself this won't work out (maybe a little chance by a long shot, but I don't know). It would be so nice to have that chance to have that same feeling again, right being with her with that same warmth.

But if by then, she would already found someone else, I'm definitely gonna cancel my trip. I'll leave her be. I'll let her go. That's how much I'm in love with her.

Yesterday, it's the first time since the day we were together, that we totally didn't have any form of communication the whole day. First time we missed a beat. After a few times that happened recently that she left me messages around 11 in the evening, it didn't happen last night. Guess we were both awfully busy (at least I myself was hella busy the whole day).

----

And tonight we finally hear some news about #MH370. Rest in peace to all 239 souls in that flight, and I send my deepest condolences to their families and friends.

Feeling half drunk

I am starting to type this, feeling half drunk.

She is my topmost priority for my next visit. If things change the way that doesn't go the way of my most little expectations, I may actually not push through going there. Three more months down the road.

It's quite obvious that this particular guy caught her attention. She said she is still trying to see if he is really sincere or not, as she is still having issues trusting guys.

But this is making her go crazy. Crazy enough to make her lose sleep.

So what now? That makes me what now?

I know we had an accord that we should tell each other if one of us finds someone. And I'm still staying true to it. But, at this point, I didn't expect this to be coming a bit too heavy on me. We had an accord at the time not much had happened between us.

But between that time and now, she really grew on me. I really fell for her that hard. So hard that I really want to pursue her.

But now, I am helpless.

Honestly, it could have been way a lot easier if she wasn't sweet to me for those six weeks. If she didn't give me that feeling. For so long I have been holding on to that feeling she gave me. I would replay in my head all that short time the last time I was with her, and I would dream of her from time to time. And it used to help a lot if we reminisce those times, if we talked about how we exactly felt at those times. Everything was out in the open. And I go on and on telling a lot of things about how she made me feel. She had me thinking about her all the time.

Until now. No matter how things went. Even now most of the time she HAS BEEN making me feel she has lost the same feelings.

And all of these I am sure she is not aware.

At one point, she told me once something like "let's see up to where this will take us." I would like to know. As I would be blinded wholly by how I strongly feel for her, but the lyrics she posted seems fit for us - "It was more than worth it but not too sensible...". But I don't care even if I see that way now, I would like to know how far can we go, or maybe a better fit "could we have gone".

That's the big part of her being my topmost priority. Hoping to pick up where we left off a few months ago.

If she isn't entirely the same girl, if she indeed really lost that same feelings, why the hell should I bother going there again? Why the hell should I bother visiting for my other priorities?

Yep, I would be wasting my airfare money that way. But better that than wasting even more money while feeling fuckin' sorry for myself.

The changes in her were the most bothersome. As I said, if she wasn't really sweet to me before, it could have been easier. But no, she was definitely sweet. And the changes in her really bothered me. We started talking less, she wasn't the usual sweet girl to me. Her messages to me were starting to be less frequent. She never complained not talking too much anymore. She wanted a low profile, but it appeared to be more than that. She would say sorry for the changes, but nothing really she would do about it. At first I was thinking it was because of work, but after the months grew, it's just different. She feels different. And she is not telling me anything why. I am somewhat left in the dark, and all the while I have been always passionate on wanting to let her know how I feel for her.

And what really sucks the most. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, even if it feels incriminating or not, it wouldn't really help at all BECAUSE NOBODY OWES THE OTHER PERSON ANYTHING. In particular, SHE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING. So that kinda makes me really helpless. I can't do anything at all.

No matter how I think back that I got much of her attention, now some other guy has her attention. And her sleeping time.

At one point, she told me at least a few times that she would be patiently waiting for me. Now I don't feel so.

We may not be too sensible, but if ever this would end in a not so good way, I am very sure it will take a very long time to have that same feeling again. That feeling that she gave me. It is simply irreplaceable.

We may not be too sensible, as I may have foreseen I may have a tendency to hurt, but with her I think it will just end up her hurting me. But I would like to find that out myself. Because I want to be with her, even if it may hurt me.

I love her. That much.